Fast forward?

OMG, I have no idea where to begin. There’s been a whole lot that’s happened in this lady’s life in the last 3-4 years! Where to start? Or recap? Do I get it all in here?

I left my marriage in 2016, got divorced in 2017. I left one job for a similar job in another town and moved in with my parents for 8 months ( not recommended to stay for that long) and then into a tiny apartment and finally, I bought my own place!
And I did online dating! Ugh! I could totally write a separate blog about some of those experiences;) I made some new friends and rekindled some old friendships and went down my own rabbit hole and came out not too bad on this side! Then I left that abusive job for an extremely tough yet awarding one that ended too soon.

I met my new husband in February 2018, at a sound meditation. My friend mentioned he was interested, but I was already dating loser number whatever and said I wasn’t interested. Even though I was totally checking out his forearm tattoo before the meditation began. Besides he was “not my type.”

2018 sucked for many reasons but it also changed my life in many ways for the good. My dog Mick passed away after being sick only 3 days on January 25th, he was 10 & 1/2. My dad started getting sick shortly after that. My heart dog Quinnie passed away 11 days after her 12th birthday in May of 2018. My dad was diagnosed (finally) with Pancreatic Cancer in September. Among other small things, it was a shitty year, with the exception of meeting my husband and buying my co op and becoming a caregiver(which that could go in both the shitty and the good categories).

Fast forward to November 2018, a mutual friend’s Halloween party, (same friend who brought him to the meditation). I wasn’t going to go because dad was in the hospital after his first stroke, but he told me to go and have fun. That’s what I tried to do. My husband came up to me in a gangster suit! We talked for a bit. Well, he talked, tee hee. He took a cool picture of me and then we had a picture taken and it’s hanging up in our bedroom and in the living room. We became friends on social media later that month. But as I said, dad was sick so I really wasn’t too flirty (not that I am anyway, I feel like I never got that gene). Then I think I asked his friend, our friend, what his deal was, after attempting dating again and sick of the same type of guy. Next thing I know, he sent me a message. We started talking and met up for brunch one day and never looked back. OK, I did freak a few times. Not for someone or anyone else but because when I get scared of my feelings, I want to run, I didn’t. I may have gotten a little jaded or paranoid after doing the online dating thing…actually from most of the men I have had relationships with as well Oh well! That’s a different blog. I have had to grow up this time and work every bump out and we do. After we both deal with ourselves (no one is free of issues), we get closer and have a better understanding of the other person. My new hubby was very good about me being my dad’s caregiver while he was sick. My dad passed in January 2020. My husband got the police escort and bagpiper for dad’s service. I know dad would have loved it, we did.

Throughout the years, I still couldn’t get pregnant (and I didn’t want to anymore). I still felt pretty good after my excision surgery in December 2013 and thank the universe for all my healers in alternative medicine! Quick recap: I became a reiki practitioner to help myself in 2011, became a reiki master teacher in 2016. I started going to acupuncture regularly ( I still do for many things), I met my friend, mentor and amazing sound healer in March of 2014, or was it 2013? Probably 2014 after my last surgery for the endometriosis and began my love for and healing with Tibetan bowls and sound (Gong, crystal bowls, chanting, Music in general). I became certified as a Sound therapist in 2014 and 2015 and am re-certifying with a different teacher now. After a while, I didn’t have too much pain, then it gradually worsened with the stressors I put in my life, people, jobs, lifestyle, etc. This got much worse after dad’s passing. So now, almost 5 months later, I find myself in this similar place. I need surgery. I believe the endometriosis is under control, but the uterus (which I told that last guy to take out at my last surgery) is getting evicted!!! I have “at least 3 fibroids” in there and another endometrioma… anyway. The new gynecologist, who i was referred to by a wife of my husbands coworker (he told them about my endo at a BBQ- not too discreet, lol) and I love him! This doctor is DIFFERENT!

OK, you endowarriors will get this. You guys know what I have been through (if you’ve followed along or had time to read all of my blog). I go to this new OBGYN, knowing all of my other experiences have left me tremendously disappointed, with no expectations. We had a chat for a while. I had just had a recent pap done at that other place I went to just for routine exams and an occasional ultrasound, which I just humored myself with and never needed a report because I knew what I was seeing before they did. Even told the tech where to look for for my missing left ovary, behind my bladder, LOL. But this doctor was different. They made me fill out tons of paperwork ad he actually looked at it! After reading my family history, he demanded I do the genetic testing for my predisposition to cancer (20% thank goodness, that’s the low end). He told me that he sees many endometriosis patients, in fact they used his office as part of the Orlissa study and that it seems to be a good drug for endo. And then he looked me in the eye and said (I’m paraphrasing) “but I’m not going to recommend this for you. You have had extensive surgeries and probably have tons of scar tissue. My recommendation for you, when you’re ready, is a hysterectomy, leaving the ovaries in. I do have to cut you open in order to feel comfortable doing your surgery.” How’s that for honesty? Seriously! He asked about my pain level and at that point, I was waking up in the middle of the night to take more ibuprofen, when I have my period. So, he prescribed me 600mg motrin so I wouldn’t have to wake up or take as many pills. Ironically, my pain was not that bad after that, go figure. Instead, after my dad passed, the bleeding got far worse. So I went back in last month for my pap and annual exam and told him about the changes and that I am read for Uterus Eviction! But does he have to cut me open? He looked at me sincerely and said “I don’t feel comfortable doing your surgery laparoscopically becasue of your scar tissue, but I have a colleague who is an expert at robotic surgery and I will gladly refer you to him. Then you’ll have a quicker recovery time. I won’t be upset, I want what’s best for YOU. (omg!) But first, we need an, ultrasound and biopsy called a hysteroscopy.” HYSTEROSCOPY? What’s that? It’s when they fill your uterus with water and stick a camera up there and look around and then grab a biopsy. They usually sedate you and do it in the hospital. But you guys know me right? I have a high pain tolerance, let’s not waste sedation…not anymore!

Fast forward to the Ultrasound last Monday. I watched, the tech wasn’t allowed to tell me anything but she did nod when I told her what she was measuring. Oh, another fibroid? (she said I already measured 3) and then, oh, there’s my right ovary. She asked me how I knew. It’s the one with that good ole endometrioma attached to it. That is how you find it… I think she was in shock and then I asked her if she found my elusive left ovary? She did not. Still no idea where it is either. She gave up I guess. I think she said something like, well, nothing’s attached to it so that’s good…OK? Yeah! So I went and asked to see the doc to discuss. I mean why do a biopsy if I’m going to take it out right? He had a good answer that never even occurred to me. What if there are precancerous cells? Then you have to have another surgery to take out you omentum and I would be terribly upset! Needless to say, I had my almost hysteroscopy, turned plain old endometrial biopsy on Thursday and yowsers that was painful! He asked if I needed him to abort the mission, I said yes. He was ok with it and said it should be back before my appointment with the specialist. Oh yeah, he called and got me an appointment for this coming Wednesday with a very busy, head of the hospital, gynecological oncologist and faxed everything to his office already! I’m guessing we both want this thing out of me asap! I printed out all the paperwork that office emailed me yesterday. So, hopefully, I will have an eviction date soon!

Sending love and light to you all.

Oh yeah, and we got a puppy, I’m training him to be my mom’s helper!

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It’s been a good 4 years

I’ve really had no major medical complaints over the last few years. Sure, my thyroids been off, I’ve been very anemic, heavy periods but not too many cramps. Let me repeat that…not too many cramps. Yes, my last surgery and my lifestyle changes have helped me keep the surgeon away!

The last 4 months, I’ve started to gradually get more and more cramping. Mostly in my legs, down the sides and to the bottoms of my feet. Not fun at all! Last month I felt like a hot iron was being stuck in and twisted in my lower back. That was new, well, it’s an old feeling but new. Damn! It really was painful and started days before I got my period, which came almost a week late. No I wasn’t worried about pregnancy lol. I was happy or didn’t come. In fact I’m praying for an early menopause. I’ve even been seriously considering the hysterectomy next year. Evict that bitch!

So I began spotting and bleeding really for about 5 days. That sucked. It’s very inconvenient to bleed when it’s not time, so I thought about it and I had heard about women that bleed or spot during ovulation. Oh wait, was that me? Hmmm. Probably. Oh crap! It’s back! Damn! So I made an appointment. I needed a follow up pap anyway, because of course, my last one was abnormal again. The colposcopy was fine though. So off I went!

And I knew exactly what I was going to hear.

Ultrasound scheduled. That was today.

I watched the entire sono, they have a screen on the wall in this office. So I was basically telling the Sonographer what was there. We had some good laughs as she was measuring things. Too many things! Then she had a strange look on her face. I’m sure she was perplexed a bit. I finally helped her out and asked if she could find my left ovary. Was it behind my uterus? Nope. Was it behind my bladder? Oh wait, no. Hey, yes please, push really hard on my belly to find it! There it is. Unremarkable lol.

Then off to the office to see the Doctor. Guess what he said!

I have a possible endometrioma and a fibroid. No shit Sherlock. I saw that already!

So what does he say. Let’s repeat this in 3 months. Have you considered the birth control pill (sure if I wanna die because I have clotting issues) or Lupron (no fucking way-sorry for cursing).

Fun day! That was a waste of 2 hours of my life lol.

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I know pain

Someone I cared about recently said to me, “you wouldn’t understand(his pain), you weren’t married for 22 years and had that ripped away from you all of a sudden.” 

He’s right. I probably will never know how that feels. I may never be married for that long. I may never find anyone. 

But what I do know is this…

I’ve had two pregnancies ripped away from me in an instant. 

I had both of my tubes removed because of disease and therefore the possibility of ever having children naturally taken away from me. 

I’ve done three rounds of IVF and no children. 

I’ve had my heart crushed so many times. 

I have endometriosis and other autoimmune diseases that cause me to be in pain or bleed to the point of anemia and gain weight. 

I am allegic to wheat and milk! It sucks. And…

I was married to someone who I don’t think ever loved me. 

But I will be ok. 

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My little Christmas miracle 

For years I used to say I didn’t enjoy being with parents around the holidays. Mostly because I couldn’t have my own children. Then it was too hard to see them all so happy. It was me. I was telling myself that I didn’t want to be around anyone who had kids. What the heck? Why? This was my family.  How could I feel that way?  
This Christmas, I finally was free to do what I wanted and what I wanted was to see my family. To hang out with my cousins.  There are 8 children running, playing and growing up so fast. I hadn’t seen them in years. I never felt sad. Not about my soon to be ex not being there, not about not having kids, nothing. I was so happy. Genuinely happy to be there and living in the moment. We had great conversations and I never once felt judged. I never realized how suppressed I felt. Wow. Just wow. 
It was my Christmas miracle to realize that I’m free. I’ve released all that stress and anger. I was my authentic self and I liked her! 

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Life Has Changed

You know, my happy ending is so much different than what I thought I wanted. 

I have changed so much from that woman who wanted to have a baby. All I thought about what getting pregnant and having a family from before we got married and then for three plus years. 

I did so many things to my body, some that were not so nice! My body was screaming at me and sometimes still does.  I should have listened and seen the signs. 

All things eventually come to an end. The journey my husband and I were on has as well.  So many couples have had traumatic events being them closer together and others, like me, end. 

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I can’t believe you guys are still reading my blog. What started so many years ago as a way to let others know about the struggles of invisible illnesses, mainly Endo and infertility. 

I wish I had a happy ending to tell you all about.  Right now, I am not going to write about the current goings on. I can only say that my journey back to myself has come with sacrifice and sorrow. 

Thank you for being there. 

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Endo awareness month is flying by!

Wow, the 15th already! In celebration of endometriosis awareness, aunt flow arrived yesterday! Interestingly, tomorrow, I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss a hysterectomy in the near future. 

I’m almost 43, have lost two pregnancies and have a very physical job and really would love to get back to a workout routine. One week out of the month, it hurts to move! The leg pain is comparable to having legs that have been cemented to the floor with sharp pains down the legs and cramps in the feet! This is why I think it may just be adenomyosis and not endometriosis. 

I’ve tried everything, but my uterus is a monster that I don’t need and never worked right anyway! 

This month, I am better than last month. It’s not from medication, it’s from more meditation, reiki, crystal healings, sound healing and self healing/realizations for myself and others. Maybe I will heal myself! Now, if I didn’t bleed, that’d be great! 

I know a few women who have had a hysterectomy at a young age and have asked what they could think of for me to ask the doctor.  I’m really feeling good about this. This doctor is a very experienced surgeon, he does surgery 4 days a week! He has worked at the CEC and really seems to want to help women, from what I’ve read. I figure he’d be a good one to remove my uterus and any Endo he may see! 

We will see! In the meantime, wear yellow and educate others that cramps are NOT normal. 

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Endo and reiki=relief

I had my first endometrioma (cyst) removed via laparoscopic surgery in 2010, I had no idea it was the first of seven surgeries I’d have for a condition called endometriosis.  It changed my entire life. First, it made me feel like I wasn’t a complete woman. Broken. Then, I was angry. Really mad. I got sucked into depression and constantly dwelling on the pain. Surgery after surgery. 

A few weeks after that 2010 surgery, the cyst was back, the same size as before. It had wrapped around my insides. I was told to get pregnant.  Then began the search for a reproductive endocrinologist for IVF. Then, testing…

And hearing all of the diagnosis’, Hashimoto’s, clotting issues, lupus anticoagulant, fibromyalgia, adenomyosis, and severe endometriosis. 

Two pregnancy losses. 

In 2011, I got married. Then I had a few surgeries and my first pregnancy from IVF.  The pain worsened.  

I found reiki the next month and became a level 1 reiki practitioner. I practiced self reiki and reiki with my dogs and a few people.  I had suffered major anxiety attacks. Reiki helped me overcome them. It helps with dealing with the pain  and loneliness we sometimes feel.  It relieves stress and a wandering mind. It helps me sleep better and I can share it with others. 

Reiki got me through the rest of my surgeries and another pregnancy loss. It helps me daily. I had my last excision surgery (the gold standard in Endo treatment) on December 19, 2013. Then discovered sound healing.  

In 2014, I became a level 2 reiki practitioner. I spent over a year working with myself, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I learned so many things about the heart and mind. What we are capable of telling ourselves can be tragic or amazing, you decide.  

Last summer, I found my dream job, which is very physical.  I can send the reiki to my coworkers and the animals at the shelter.  I can be reiki with my animals. I can send distant healings to my parents, friends and their pets and loved ones. 

The pain has gotten worse over the last few months and when I have my period, it’s incredibly challenging to do my job.  I don’t think it’s so much the endometriosis as it is the adenomyosis. A hysterectomy is in my future. 

Reiki is love, in my opinion.  You can give and receive it, you can feel it, you can be it and you can share it with your eyes open and closed, with animals and humans.  It’s energy.  It promotes relaxation and healing and we all need that! 

Last month, I became a reiki master practitioner and am looking forward to becoming a reiki master teacher. I want to share reiki with all, animal and human alike.  

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March 2016 Endometriosis Awareness Month 

Here we go again! I really want to say that I’m going to write a blog post every day, but that’s not realistic for me. I’ve kind of been missing in action on this blog. It’s not really intentional.  I got my dream job really with really long hours and a bit of a commute.  I get to work with animals and make a difference. Love. 

Back to endometriosis awareness. It’s been a few years since the Drs. Nezhat began the Worldwide EndoMarch and sadly nothing has really changed to the average person. However, I have seen more women posting about endometriosis on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve seen no changes for us when going to a regular gynecologist.  They still tell you to get pregnant (well, not me anymore since I’m older and have no tubes), get a Lupron injection to induce false menopause (don’t get me started on the YouTube video of Lena Dunham and her friend shooting her with it-hoping she sees us and learns the truth) and the hysterectomy. What they don’t understand is that none of that takes care of the horrific adhesions all of us have suffered from. I’ve known women who have done all of the above and still never found relief until they have excision surgery with a specialist, who is STILL not covered by insurance!!!! Thousands and thousands of dollars and many of us need more than one surgery to repair all the years of bad advice and surgeries!  

Friday, March 18th, Dr. Farr Nezhat and a group of EndoMarchers will be working hard to get yellow awareness on the Today show on NBC and I’m going (period permitting) on Saturday!  

Join us to promote awareness of this debilitating disease. Educate the public, yourself, doctors and surgeons, so your mom, sister, cousin, aunt, daughter and friends don’t have to go through years of being told they’re crazy before being diagnosed. 

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Is it back? Or am I old?

I’m so grateful for everything in my life right now. I hate to complain, but here it comes: my hip and leg hurts sooooo much. The pain kept me awake and nothing was helping. I don’t know if this is because I slipped outside yesterday and fell on some ice? That was my knee but maybe. Or!!! It’s the damn endometriosis or adenomyosis! I’m a little crampy cause you know what happened again this month, because you know who decided I should keep this stupid uterus. I want it gone!!! I could barely walk this morning. Thank god I’m off of work today. My job is so physical, there’s no way I’d be able to do it today! Grateful for the day off. Grateful for my friend sending me reiki! On a side note, when you’re connected to reiki energy, even the intention of sending it benefits that person or animal immediately!This too shall pass. Much love to all. Thank you for letting me vent! 

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