Today, I had a pensive day. I keep going through my daily routine, kind of “going through the motions”. I am , however, reminding myself to be grateful for what I do have. My loving husband, my parents, my dogs, my job and benefits, and the food in my belly and roof over my head. Oh and our great new car to drive. I just have to remind myself to breathe. I’m learning to love myself again.
I have been feeling strange (for me) lately. I was working on being a positive person for the last year and was doing a great job at that. That is a whole other blog topic.
On my visit to the RE a few weeks ago, day 3 bloods were done, then came the ultrasound. Routine stuff before starting a FET cycle. And to my surprise, the only tube I have left is now filled with fluid and practically ready to burst. I was told it needs to be removed = surgery. It’s not the fact that I need surgery again that has me in kind of a funk, it’s not that I will lose time from work or another month further away from our goal of being parents, it’s that I will not have tubes.
We had been hoping all along, a little bit anyway, that a miracle would happen and we’d conceive naturally. You hear about it all of the time. I know a woman who tried for years, then all of a sudden, it happened, she had a beautiful, healthy baby boy. Even after a few IVF’s, another woman I know had a baby naturally. Well, sadly, that won’t happen for us now. Ever! I feel sad, that a part of our life is over, kind of a downer. I almost feel like I’m not a whole woman anymore. I know I am, but I never thought it would be so hard or take so long to have a baby, a part of him and a part of me.
We have this one embryo left. I really don’t know where to go from here.
I am not sure I really want to put my body through another round of IVF again . All of those hormones wreak havoc on the endometriosis and it spreads like wildfire.
A part of me feels like there’s a higher power trying to tell me something. Should we give up? Will that make all of these surgeries and pain go away? Maybe I’m not supposed to be a biological mother. Maybe I am just a dog mom? Is it my immune system? Every time we get close, something comes up and I need surgery. How much more can we take? How much more?