No more miracles

A Surrogate would be my dream come true. If only it wasn’t so expensive. It’s $80,000-$100,000. For someone like me, it’s a very unrealistic dream. Who has that kind of money? I’ve read stories online if women having babies for family members, or friends, out of the goodness of their hearts. I wish! My friends have all had their families, I am an only child, so no sister to help me out and my cousins,well, they’re definitely done with their families. I kept hoping someone would know someone that could help me become a mom. But, I have since stopped living in my fantasy world and have stepped back into reality. It is now time to concentrate on staying well. My autoimmune issues have made my uterus a very bad place, an enemy of embryos (babies). It seems like every time we get one step closer, we get thrown 2 steps back. Almost blindsided. It’s like hitting a brick wall. I was at Dr.K’s for a well visit, January 14th. We wanted the OK to get started on our FET (frozen cycle) with our last embryo. We got the OK. I had an ultrasound done, everything looked totally normal and it actually showed that I was ovulating “on the good side” the side that has a fallopian tube. We were so happy. This was it, or so we thought. We were…wrong again! We had an appointment for a consult with the RE, Dr. Bowtie, on January 25th. I wanted to get this started ASAP. I knew it meant day 3 blood work and ultrasound, saline sono, endometrial biopsy, etc. That was going to take a whole month, I had to get in before my next cycle started and we did. We were hoping we would get pregnant on our own and we wouldn’t need their help anymore…wrong again. Did we jinx it going early? Did I do something wrong? What did we do to deserve this? January 30th, Day 3! Ultrasound time. The ultrasound tech came in and recognized me from last year. I told him about the 2 surgeries, that I had my left tube removed and that I just had an ultrasound two weeks ago. Then he said,”did you know about this?” “what, what the heck is that?” “It’s your right tube,” “no it’s not, it can’t be”. Hydrosalpinx! Meaning my tube is destroyed and that I need another surgery. It’s stretched out of shape and filled with toxic fluid, well toxic to embryos. Really, 16 days later, it was huge! The brick wall just got higher. I was even debating on giving up. I mean, 3 strikes your out, right? Maybe someone’s trying to tell me to stop, or maybe it’s a sign that I should go somewhere else? Why does this keep happening to us? No one is addressing the fact that I have an uncooperative uterus and now tube! When someone says, you need your tube removed, and it’s the only one you have left, it hurts. A lot. I know, you don’t need tubes for IVF, but it’s more than that. There was always a glimmer of hope. The miracles you’d hear about. All these IVF’ers that had treatments fail and then they all of a sudden get pregnant. They had tubes! It’s like a part of you dies. The hope is gone. I was numb and angry at the same time. I couldn’t cry. For those who don’t know, you need your tubes to get pregnant naturally, it’s where the egg and sperm meet to form an embryo…a baby! I took a picture of the hydrosalpinx, sent it to the fabulous office manager who texts with me on a regular basis. She immediately called me to find out what it was. I explained and she told me that Dr. K was back from his vacation that afternoon and he’d call me. He did, right away. I don’t think he believed it either. Naturally, I had to come in to see him the next Monday, February 4th. I secretly hoped it was a gas bubble or something else. Nope, it was there. He was surprised and said it could rupture if that was really hydrosalpinx. We looked at the surgery pictures from September, my right tube was fine, even showed the dye coming out, showing it was open. Maybe it was just free flowing fluid in there? We’d have to do an HSG to make sure, instead of rushing into surgery. So, the two doctors discussed it over the phone and agreed that that was the next step. Dr. Bowtie got me in quickly for the HSG. Yes, it was just as painful the second time around. Confirmed, Useless tube, I need surgery. I booked it for next month, pending the availability of my favorite anesthesiologist! This is the picture of my right tube:

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in devastated, endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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