When you’re struggling with an invisible illness like endometriosis, infertility and Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, (or RA, PCOS, Lupus, etc), people always have the darndest things to say to you.
The first one I heard from my gynecologist was, “Just Get Pregnant, that will make the endometriosis go away.” Not only did he lie, but we had already been trying to conceive, so it was more like a slap in the face. Here are a few more that are along the same lines of idiotic things to say.
“Relax and it will just happen.” One of the most common things I have heard. I even had a nurse at the gynecologists office tell me “maybe, if you quit your job, you’ll get pregnant,” sure why not, her friend did. At this point, it was early on in our quest for baby. I just had a little cyst on my ovary, no big deal right? How about, “Just go on a vacation!” It is the belief that stress prevents pregnancy, maybe it does for some, but that wasn’t my only problem. We were relaxed about it at first. But after years of trying, how can you be expected to “relax” about it. It’s heartbreaking. “Keep trying, you never know.” OK! As of March 14th, I will no longer have my tubes and as of today, my left one’s been gone for almost a year and the right one is blocked completely. You need your tubes for those miracle babies!
“Try IVF, it worked for so-and-so.” Yes and it worked for a few people I know. The first one didn’t work for us, we did the frozen cycle, that didn’t work either. We will do the last frozen cycle again, but I don’t know if we want to do another round of hormone injections and daily blood tests and ultrasounds again after that.. It made my endometriosis spread like crazy and put me into a whole new way of living with pain, no one should live with.
“Change your diet.” Really? Don’t you think if I could have done that, I would have done that by now? I have food allergies and sensitivities. I can’t eat white rice and most gluten free products are made with it. I can’t have soy because of the estrogen that causes endo to spread, and I suffer from acid reflux or GERD. I loved to eat Cheerios, I can’t anymore. I am on a mostly bland diet, I only have a few meals I can eat and when I make spaghetti and meatballs, it’s because I’ve had a good week, stomach wise. I take antacids every night. It sucks, so don’t tell me to change my diet when you have no idea what I have to go through to try new things and the consequences if they don’t agree with me. Sure, I could cut back on the sugar, but I don’t want to right now.
“Why don’t you just adopt?” This is a personal choice for anyone, the word “just” makes it sound like it’s such an easy thing to do. I know people trying to adopt and who have adopted and it is a very long, expensive process and can also be heartbreaking. We aren’t ready to discuss that with anyone right now. We’d like to tell you to mind your own business, in a nice way. “Just have someone else have the baby!” OK! Who? Point me to the woman who will have a child for us out of the goodness of her heart. My friends or family? Not one of them can do it. Someone could donate $100,000.00 and we’d be happy to have someone else “do it for us.”
“It could be worse.” Yes It could be worse. Most days, I feel pretty good, physically. Mentally, how do you know if it could be worse for me? There are many things that I may think are horrible and yes, being infertile is one of them. Especially, when you see many people on a daily basis, who’s belly’s are getting bigger every time you see them and they complain about it. When all of your old friends talk about is their children and things having to do with being moms. I have days where I really think I will never know that feeling. I have an inkling what it’s like. I love my dogs, they are the only children I have ever had. But, I know it’s not the same.
“It could be cancer.” Well, I know a few people with cancer and that is one of the dumbest things anyone could say! I sometimes would say, “well, it sure does spread like cancer, it is aggressive like some cancers, and there’s no cure, like cancer,” which is all true, but how could anyone say that?
“Maybe you’re not meant to be parents.” I’m not even going to comment on this asinine quote!
Women who complain about their pregnancies, their children and their cramps. Honey, you have no idea what cramps are unless you have endometriosis and can’t walk straight or at all on some days. Don’t complain about your raging hormones while you’re pregnant, especially to me, some of us will never have that opportunity. You are blessed to have your children, no matter the cost. Yes, they’re expensive, they eat a lot, need new clothes and have to go to school. No one understands costs more than IVF parents, who have spent thousands of dollars “just” to have that one baby, that will cost them a fortune. Except maybe the ones who have spent the same amount or more of their money, their time and so many tears that still don’t have a baby of their own.
Here’s a picture I got fron my endosisters: