Shoulda, coulda,woulda and maybe’s

These things we say, as if we could actually go back in time and fix our mishaps, mistakes and tragedies. So many thing we could have done differently or should have and maybe these thing would have changed what our life is now.
My husband asked me at dinner last night, “what would’ve happened if we had gone to a different doctor earlier?” Which time?
After the first surgery, I went back to my gynecologist of 19 years. I trusted him. Why would he be wrong? I just had to get pregnant. Yup a no brainer, ha! That’s what we were trying to do.
Yes, I “should’ve” found Dr. K after he did basically a diagnostic laparoscopy and told me I needed to be cut open from hip to hip. Then maybe, we “would’ve” saved money and “could’ve been pain free and be parents. Who knows? Maybe this was supposed to be my path.
If I would’ve found Dr. K a year earlier? Oh my, I could have avoided a lot of pain and sadness. And perhaps we would have a child today. Maybe not. Yes, I should’ve run from that doctor, who cut me open and had a student stitch me up to the point where I have a permanent dent in my belly and giving me bad advice to go ahead with IVF with all of that scar tissue and adhesions in there. Where would a baby grow? I could’ve done that differently. I should’ve done that differently. Maybe.
I should’ve stuck with the reproductive immunologist in 2010. It could’ve worked then. I would’ve been pregnant. Maybe not. How would I have gotten pregnant with a cyst that grew back around my insides and glued everything together? Surely that wouldn’t have gone away because I was pregnant. But I am going back to see what he has to tell us now. After he reads my history of numerous surgeries and IVF and FET failures, looks over my old test results, he can come up with a miracle plan for us. I’m sure there will be more tests run on me and hopefully by May or June, we can get started with our last embryo.
Anyway, you get the idea. I don’t want to be this person who dwells, who is bitter an angry all of the time. I’m only human, so of course I’m going to do it. Dwell and be angry sometimes I mean. The trick I’m learning is how to get myself out of those thoughts and to really focus on the good things that came out of all of this. I found Dr. Kanayama, he’s excised most of my endometriosis, and likes that we are going to the reproductive immunologist. When I saw him last week, he was also leery about another IVF cycle (I saw it in his expression when I mentioned not being sure if I wanted to go through that again). He was the one doctor who said he would focus on MY quality of life not the fertility aspect. Although, he did try very hard to keep my right tube just in case a miracle would happen. The good thing, I still have most of my ovaries(the left one has gotten smaller) and a uterus.
Another good thing is my husband and I are working on better communication and trust. I trust him completely, after all, he’s the one that will always give me injections I need, I am way too afraid to do it myself. We discovered team work in that regard. I would draw up the medication into the syringes and he would shoot me, wherever they needed to go. It was very hard to communicate for a while. We tend to shut down every now and then.
We have decided that this is the last year we will try to be parents biologically. Who knows what will happen in the next few months.
I’ve accepted my/our path so far. I believe if our last embryo is meant to be a little person, it will work.

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, infertility, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Shoulda, coulda,woulda and maybe’s

  1. Marcy Hanson says:

    Oh, sister, that is such a difficult decision to make. I understand what that decision feels like, and I wish I could buy you a coffee, offer a place to chat, and give you a hug! You, your hubby and your sweet little embryo is in my thoughts!!

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