A crushing experience.

I wasn’t sure if I should get into a lot of detail in this blog. But I think this is meant to help me get through all of the emotional upsets we’ve had over the last 3 years.
I touched a little on this in an early post. I went into my FET so positive it would work, even my husband was a little surprised. I mean, I had been trying to be more positive anyway, but I was absolutely sure this pregnancy would be the one!
Day 1, called the infertility clinic, went in for my ultrasound and bloods. They called me that afternoon to tell me all was well and to place the two estrogen patches on my belly. I did that every other day for a month. Somewhere during this there were a few more blood tests and ultrasounds. I spotted and they wanted to stop the cycle. I was like, “no way, it’ll work.” We started the progesterone shots five days before the transfer and my lining was pretty thick. We had the transfer done on Friday, March 2nd, 2012 and I almost stopped it. Probably should have in hindsight. That was so painful. They had to press very hard to see through all of my scar tissue from my 3 previous useless surgeries, to find the tiny catheter in my tilted uterus. Anyway, I was thankful my husband was there to hold my hand while I cried. The next day, I felt that familiar tugging and cramping, just as I did with the fresh cycle when I got pregnant too. By mid-week, I had cravings and mood swings and was really angry with my husband for no reason. Yup, same as last time. By the following Friday, March 9th, I bought the test and peed on the stick (which I didn’t do the first time around and will never do again). I saw two lines. They were definitely there. I had never seen two lines before. I was so happy, I knew it was going to work, I told my husband we were probably having twins. Then next morning, two very dark lines!!! We were excited and so hopeful.
See all this time, from the day we started the FET cycle, February 12th, I started a journal to my unborn child or children. Sad, almost pathetic, at least it sounds that way. At the time, it was nice to dream about being a mom, i wrote to them as if I was telling them all of the hopes I had everyday. I believe it helped me get through the injections and look forward to the future.
On Monday, March 12th, my beta was 79! Wow, that was so great! We were pregnant!! By Wednesday, it was 49, it happened again. My body killed off my embryo.
I immediately pulled off the patches, I stopped writing, stopped the progesterone and stopped the dreaming. I was crushed. I remember the phone call and just screaming after I hung up. Screaming and crying and then I had to tell my husband. My period came March 18th. The RE recommended surgery. So I went on the hunt for an endo specialist.

I had gone to a psychic in February. He told me I’d have twins. I believed him. I have a tiny bit of hope that it still may happen for us. A very tiny bit.

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to A crushing experience.

  1. stinam says:

    Thank you for sharing these experiences, I know it is so hard to put such deep and personal feelings out there for all to see. I draw strength from knowing I’m not the only one who hurts. I HATE this disease!!! *hugs*

  2. Nicole Chow says:

    I’m sorry that happened. I’ve been there too many times. It just sucks.

  3. newtoivf says:

    Oh honey, so sorry. Don’t feel pathetic for the journal, thats a beautiful thing todo and one day your kids will live reading it xxx

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