Alone

I see now how the universe seems to work.
I’ve been too busy being worried about the pain, the surgeries, pills, side effects, allergic reactions, shots, my family, my dogs, anything at all really. But the biggest worry I’ve had in the last few years is that of being alone. Even eating alone bothers me, who would do the heimlich?. By myself for hours a day. I’ve found ways to not be alone, ever. I got a job in a busy place, I meet my mom on my days off or Sundays I am home with my hubby. I sometimes call people when I’m driving so I’m not completely alone with my worries and thoughts. Actually, I’ve gotten better driving alone. I used to dread driving alone or especially at night. Well, all of that’s caught up with me now. My job has now put me in an office all by myself. Alone. With my thoughts. Time to listen to myself. Someone does come to relieve me at lunch time, which can be anywhere from 10:30 -2:30. I never know when and I am a Virgo, I like a set schedule!
I know it sounds awesome. All alone? No management? No gossip? And my own private bathroom! It is, for the most part, great. I can read, listen to music, blog, dance around, etc. and for the most part I do just that. Currently, I have Pandora Radio playing while I’m writing this. The station I have created is Extreme (remember More Than Words?) radio, which includes Mr. Big (i love Eric Martin’s voice), Tesla(I walked down the aisle to the intro to Lovesong), Cinderella, Warrant, Metallica, Poison ( I admire Bret Michaels), LA Guns, you get the idea. This music brings be back to before the pain, when I was afraid to get pregnant (never thought it would be a problem), my biggest concern was what concert to go to and what color should I dye my hair! Sure, I had some anxiety then, but nothing like I do these days. I wish I could go to more concerts, music is great therapy!
I keep myself busy in between customers. Yes, thank god I see some people, usually the same ones everyday. I look at what my inventory needs, try to organize my stuff here, write, i snack when I’m hungry and I do positive thinking and self-reiki. I’ve even started playing with my crystals again. A few, especially the rose quartz. The love stone. We need to love ourselves first, right?
Infertility and autoimmune illnesses can make you feel totally alone. I’ve been reading Nia Vardalos, “Instant Mom,” she is an amazing writer. It’s hard to read her story at work. I was crying during the happy and the sad parts. And as I’ve mentioned before, Fran Meadows book inspired me to share and Marie Suk inspired me to blog. It’s amazing the community of wonderful women I have found online who are going through or have gone through what I have or worse and come out so strong! Thank you to them. All of them.

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, anxiety, endometriosis awareness, hope and love, infertility, infertility in the workplace, invisible illness, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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