I hope it turns around

I’m so scared. I don’t know why. Maybe I do.
I’m afraid it didn’t work. I’m afraid those were my last two eggs ever. I’m afraid that after all of our struggles, there will be no baby. Sometime on Thursday, I just felt like it didn’t work. I don’t know where that feeling came from, other than from deep within. And I stupidly bought a hpt and took it. Then I waited until this morning (Saturday) and its still negative. I still have to pee every two hours, but this time it’s different. No symptoms at all. I’m emotional, just like I always am right before AF comes and she’s due Wednesday. I know the progesterone will keep her at bay.
I also know I’m not supposed to think like this. I’m trying really hard to keep positive. I’ve been speaking with a Life Coach too and she’s great and gave me an exercise to do. I had to stand with my back to the baby store in town and read a list of positive “I Am’s”(I am love, I am positive, I am healthy, I am…pregnant,this one was hard to say). There are more. And if I was brave, I should face the store and look into it as I said it. So I did it. I looked right at those cure little jumpers in the window as I read my list out loud (but not for everyone to hear and think I was totally insane). I looked at the clothes and felt ok. Not happy, not sad. Just like I succeeded with my exercise and I was proud of myself for doing it.
Part of me is mad at myself for POAS again. It is only a week, 7 days since the two embryos were transferred.
I know I’m doing everything I can this time. I’ve been on prednisone to fight my immune system since the beginning of the cycle. I’ve been on the blood thinners to help with the uterine lining and I’m on progesterone injections and the estrogen and progesterone suppositories. Why wouldn’t it work? We got pregnant the other two times without this help. This time, I am freshly out of an excision surgery and have no tubes to possibly “flush” out the embryos.
Yes, it is possible I could still get a positive pregnancy blood test on Monday. It’s possible that the HCG concentration just isn’t high enough today. It’s possible, because I’m peeing so much that four hours isn’t long enough to have an accurate result. It’s possible. I mean the first beta I had was 51 back in September of 2011, the next was 25 and it was over. I never POAS for that cycle. The second time, my beta was 79. That was when I POAS at 7dpt and got a positive at night. Then my beta was 49!
Yes, it’s possible that I’m pregnant with low numbers. But is that really a good thing?
Now I’m afraid I’m projecting all of the above. Back to being PUPO (pregnant until provable otherwise).

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, anxiety, Embryo transfer, embryos, endometriosis awareness, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, positive thinking, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to I hope it turns around

  1. Julie Garro says:

    Praying for you. I know how it is to wait for a baby. May you feel peace.

  2. redbluebird says:

    The end of the wait is the absolute worst. I’m sure it’s impossible to not let the negative thoughts leak in, but don’t give up hope! Having a somewhat low beta isn’t necessarily bad. I’m SOOO hoping this is your time & that the little embryos are growing strong in there!

  3. newtoivf says:

    Just everything crossed for you xx

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