Lessons, for all

Sometimes I wonder why it is some of us try and try and then have our choice taken away by an awful incurable disease, while others can just decide or just fall pregnant within a few short months. While their children are having birthdays and going to school, ours are only in our hearts…
Is it just the “hand we were dealt”? Is it because we waited too long? Os it because we’re meant for something better? Who could decide such a cruel thing? Do we do it to ourselves?
I don’t think there’s an acceptable explanation for any of it.
So, since my announcing of my failed IVF cycle on Monday, I have heard the same thing twice, “Why don’t you adopt?” Wow, can’t even breathe.
Why don’t I? Why didn’t I think of that? Why ‘waste’ all of this money and time on a biological child? REALLY????
I can’t begin to discuss this topic right now. Adoption takes a long time, is very expensive and can be just as heartbreaking when “deals” fall through. I just couldn’t believe that these people were so insensitive to a human beings feelings.
It’s not the first time I’d done IVF, it’s worse. The other two times I had embryos transferred, I got pregnant. Briefly. But I did. This time we transferred two and nothing. That hurts the most I think. That we did everything we could. We fought my immune system and lost.
Let me get back to part 2 of what was said to me by a person who is a grandmother, “Just adopt, then you’ll get pregnant.” OMG! Wow! She said this even after I told her that endometriosis caused my to lose both of my tubes, the last one came out in March. Yes, I actually know someone who did just that. She adopted a child and with in a few years. had her miracle baby and I am so happy for her!!! But let me explain, (for those women who were never taught or learned about the female reproductive system, even though they’ve had children and have grandchildren), you need Fallopian tubes to get pregnant. One or two, but you do need them. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TUBES! They’re gone and so are any chances of it “just happening.”
So, the next time, you feel like saying something to someone who can’t get pregnant, even with a ton of medical assistance, either shut up or say something like, “I don’t know what to say, I’m sorry.” That’s enough. You can’t make us feel better by saying anything, you can only make it worse by saying something heartless or insensitive. Infertility can feel like the loneliest place on earth. Don’t make us feel like we’re out of place or strange. There are more of us than you know!


About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, anxiety, devastated, egg retrieval, Embryo transfer, embryos, endometriosis awareness, hope and love, hydrosalpinx, infertility, infertility in the workplace, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, laparoscopy, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Lessons, for all

  1. It’s funny how people feel the need to say something at times like this. Instead of offering support, or condolences, they wish to tell us the avenues still available to us. Somehow I am convinced this is only to soothe their own fears about their own sense of femininity and motherhood. When I decided to get my hysterectomy, so many people felt compelled to tell me that I could still adopt. That I would be such a great mother and it would be a shame if I didn’t have a child in my life. I feel that’s just such a personal decision, and one I never solicited advice for. My heart is with you Melanie, and I wish you strength and clarity. Much love to you and your hubby. — Jillian

  2. cindysn says:

    Some ppl need to just keep their mouth shut!!! We need a sign that says “No Advice Needed”

  3. thenamesBond says:

    “What about surrogacy? What about adoption?” I’m speechless to be honest how people THINK they have the right to say these things off the cuff when everything is raw and you are grieving already. It’s been said to me too. I don’t know how I would react if it was said again though…

  4. barrenbetty says:

    Wow, I can’t believe someone said that to you. So insensitive… And so strange! Do they offer similar kinds of random advice for other problems? I bet not!! Seems like too many people feel qualified when it comes to fertility to dole out advice (especially when their only qualification is being fortunate enough to have nothing wrong with them and the ability to conceive naturally!!)

  5. redbluebird says:

    I don’t understand why these people think we’re doing fertility treatments yet somehow adoption has never crossed our minds. Obviously we know about it, obviously it’s something we’ve thought about or talked about with our partners. It’s like they think they’re letting us in on some secret– “Did you know there’s this thing called adoption?? Where a baby is born to someone else and you become his/her parent?!? Amazing!!”
    Also, I’m SO annoyed by how many people have kids and are close to clueless about how the whole process works. It’s like reading the text book twenty times and failing the test, while the girl sitting next to me in class never studies and gets an “A.”
    Done ranting 🙂

  6. katherinea12 says:

    How incredibly, incredibly angering and frustrating those comments are!

    It’s so much easier when people who aren’t sure what to say just admit that. Then at least it allows an opportunity to say what it is that’s actually needed, whether just “I’m so sorry”, space or a shoulder to cry on, the option to talk about it or not talk about it.

    All of this is so very personal and individual to each person/couple. Infertility is heartbreaking to go through, and it’s so upsetting to get that unsolicited/unthinking advice from people.

    Thinking of you in this difficult time.

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