Adenomyosis, an end and beginning, cd1

I woke up this morning with that all too familiar pain. Cramping started almost immediately, my belly, back and legs. Yes, down the outside of my thighs and across my abdomen. I got a little heart ache too. I feel like someone is twisting or wringing out my uterus. Is this what labor pains feel like? I think the majority of my “symptoms” are adenomyosis (uterine lining grows into the muscle walls of the uterus) related. I know most of my endometriosis was “excised,” but maybe its that too. My endo always seems to grow rapidly. Oh yeah, I just pumped my body full of a ridiculous amount of hormones for the failed IVF!!! Maybe that’s why I’m in so much pain?
But she still hadn’t arrived yet (Aunt Flow). I slowly got ready for work. I went to the bathroom twice, took a very hot shower, letting the hot strong stream of water hit my belly for a long time and then my back. I would’ve loved to stand there all day! I slowly dried my hair and put on my make up. I fed the dogs and made myself breakfast. Thinking in the back of my mind, that if I this is adenomyosis related, a hysterectomy would help that. It would help the twisting feeling, the leg pains and maybe the constant urge to go to the bathroom. I think maybe by next year, I may just give in and do it. I know it won’t help the endometriosis, because there is no cure for that.
This is from Wikipedia on adenomyosis symptoms:
” The vaginal pressure can be severe enough to feel like the uterus is trying to push out through the vagina, like the last stage of labor when the baby’s head pushes into the cervix.” Yes, that’s what it feels like some days.
Other symptoms include:
Intense debilitating pain all the time and/or
Acute & increasing pain at menstration and ovulation (yup to both- I always feel ovulation pain a day or two before on that side)
Strong ‘contraction’ feel of uterus (the twisting feeling)
Abdominal cramps (this is a given)
A ‘bearing’ down feeling (yea)
Pressure on bladder (not just during AF)
Dragging sensation down thighs and legs (oh yeah!)
Heavy bleeding and flooding (uh huh)
Large blood clots (tmi I know)
Prolonged bleeding i.e.; up to 8–14 days
Anyway, if you’re still with me, I went to work a little hunched over. Then I pulled out my heating pad! A godsend! I am so glad I made hubby go into the basement to get it this morning. I am so happy I thought of it. I used that heating pad all day. In fact, I’m still using it as I write this blog.
AF came on around 10:30 this morning. It’s the end of the last cycle and the beginning of a new one. One I was hoping I wouldn’t see for nine months. I went through a few emotions today. I was sad, angry, confused, mad, and even pensive. There’s a lot going through my mind right now. There’s a list of questions I have starting in my mind. I better write them down, so I remember to ask my doctor when I get to see him.
Last night I was crying on my wonderful husband’s broad, strong shoulders. We were having a great conversation. He mentioned putting up a basketball hoop in my parents driveway, so he could shoot some hoops. All I could think was that my parents totally deserve to have grandchildren, playing basketball in their driveway, sitting on their lap and listening to my dad’s stories. The flood gates were open. I have the best parents! I am really lucky. They’re very loving and supportive and just so giving and really would make wonderful grandparents.
So, I’m not really sure what the point is of this post, maybe a little lesson in adenomyosis, a day in the life of an IVF failure and emotions that go with it. I’m still working through the pain of a complete failed cycle and I usually feel like crying when I’m at work, I don’t. I stifle the tears. But last night I allowed myself to breakdown a little in front of my husband. I hate to cry in front of him. He’s been through so much with me these last three years. I am an incredibly lucky girl. I am grateful for my family. Our dogs have been very good therapy as well. Not so much in this tropical storm though 🙂
I’ve been doing some research. I started reading a book about walking away from motherhood, I’ve looked into surrogacy and adoption. I’m not sure where we will go from here. I’m not sure my body will cooperate to produce embryos to use in a gestational carrier or for our own use or both. There’s much to think about and discuss, but for tonight, I think I’ll just take some ibuprofen, lay down with my heating pad and cuddle with hubby and the dogs and feel safe and secure and very loved.

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, Endometriosis, hope and love, infertility, infertility in the workplace, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Adenomyosis, an end and beginning, cd1

  1. I found out I had adenomyosis when Dr D did my excision surgery. I have not found a lot of relevant info about it. I appreciate your post about it. It helps me understand some of the pain that I still have. We have no children either and I understand the frustration and sadness that comes with each AF. We aren’t going to do IVF or other drastic measures. We figure if it is meant to be, it will happen. If not, at least we can say that we did our best to extend our family. I again thank you for the info and want you to know you are definitely not alone.

  2. theivflady says:

    I feel your pain. I’ve been there myself many times and take a lot of comfort in my hubby and dogs. Hoping you feel better tomorrow.

  3. newtoivf says:

    I’m so sorry you’re in so mucb pain.., physical and emotional xx

  4. Samantha says:

    I’m very sorry to hear about your pain, My endo pain is hell and I hope you feel better soon. The pain in your heart will probably always be there but it will get easier slowly, you just need to look after yourself xx

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