Breathing can be difficult

Today, I feel like I can’t breathe. Is it PTSD? Anxiety? The weather? The drugs? Heartburn? Broken heart?
It’s probably all of the above.
Every now and then, I get a little pang in my chest. It feels heavy today, like someone’s sitting on it. So, I’m sure, I’m sighing more often and that’s not helping matters.
I’ve spent some time looking at our options. I did. I looked into what my state requires for foster-to-adopt (like Nia Vardalos , who wrote, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and new book I recommend, “Instant Mom”, did). I looked into Surrogacy laws, it’s illegal, not to mention expensive and a long shot. Along with another round of IVF or living child free.
No wonder my chest hurts.
I keep praying for a miracle or at least an answer. I have no tubes, so I can’t have a miracle baby, but any miracle would due about now. For example. Some wonderful person willing to have a baby for us for a very small amount of money. Oh yeah. Not legal anyway. Even an IVF cycle that would work, that would be ideal! Then I start in thinking about the last cycle.
It happened so fast. I was ready for the egg retrieval after only 4 days of stimming. There were 9 follicles. There were 7 empty follicles. I was warned that the egg quality may not be good, due to the quickness in which they grew, but never that they would be empty. Out of the two eggs, only one made it back into my uterus as a perfect embryo and we used our last embryo.
Still the question, why? There is no answer. The doctor says it could be this or that. It could be the endometriosis causing me to have poor egg quality. I know it destroyed my tubes and most of my left ovary, so why not my eggs? Is it that when my not so good eggs are fertilized, they only look like good embryos? The doctor also said that even if we had put in two perfect looking embryos, we only had a 25% chance of one sticking. Will there be more embryos? Are there anymore eggs? I mean, if we could find a surrogate, we would need embryos for her to have a baby for us. Do we do another long IVF round? If we did, I would be praying everyday for at least four embryos, even five. Three for me, two for a surrogate. What am I saying? Another IVF? This time it would be the whole protocol! The birth control pill, the dreaded Lupron, then back to stimming, at a lower dose, the lovenox, prednisone, antibiotics, for both of us, suppositories, antagonists, and would it work? Even if it did work, how long would it work? Would I go the whole nine months? Would I go at least six? Would I have a healthy baby? Would it live? Would I have a preemie? Would I miscarry? Would I have another chemical pregnancy? All these things have happened to women I know. Maybe not personally, but my endosisters and fellow infertiles on twitter have had exactly the above happen. These are women who have gone through IVF and surgeries for endometriosis, just to become a mother.
So, yes, another round?

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, anxiety, egg retrieval, Embryo transfer, embryos, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Breathing can be difficult

  1. Anna @thepinkdazzle says:

    This hurts my heart. I feel so much of what you feel every day. I have no magic words or divine advice for you… I just wanted to say you are so not alone.

  2. Wannabemom says:

    It’s depression. And heart-broken-ness. And being tired of fighting for what comes so easy to others. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

  3. Becky says:

    I think about you everyday and can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I was wondering the other day what your next steps would be. Are you sure it’s illegal for surrogacy? Where are you from? Everything I’ve read says that you can do it, but just can’t technically pay someone to have a baby for you, instead you would pay for expenses you deemed you were responsible for ex. food, rent, dr’s appts, etc.

  4. Ann says:

    I’ve been following you since I’ve been struggling with Unexplained infertility for a couple years and just failed our first ICSI for what the doctors say for no apparent reason. I really just wanted to reach out to simply say………….YES – Another Round. Don’t give up yet.

  5. I think its depression you need dr

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