I hate ticks

I feel like my eyelids are heavy and droopy. I’m feeling tired and sad. Worn out. I’m feeling angry at the birth control pill, the doctor and seemingly everything else. I’m feeling very deflated.
This was how my day was yesterday. I am not sure where it came from, but I cried a few times during the day.
Somehow, a negative thought, pops into my head and festers all day. I used to be able to think of something positive and it would help me get over it. But not yesterday. Oh boy was I depressed. It scared me. All day, I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry. I found myself complaining about everything, even if no one was there.
I’ve had terrible heartburn and anxiety from it this entire week since I’ve started birth control pills. So that’s how I wake up. Agitated from the get go. I take the generic form of Synthroid for my Hashimoto’s thyroiditis (well the RE thought i should be on it and as soon as i can safely do so, i plan to switch to naturethroid but that’ll have to wait for now) every morning. It has to be taken an hour before eating and 4 hours away from any antacids. Not good when you have a feeling of burning and a weight on your chest and are hungry. Every day!!!
Then I go to work in my little box. I do like being in charge of my day in there. Most of the time. But yesterday, I started reading another book about living child free not childless. About deciding to stop being infertile. I don’t think I was ready for it. It seemed to fuel my anger.
Why am I so angry? I’m doing another cycle! Maybe it’s the pill. I hated being on it in the past (for 15 years) and I hate it even more now. It has to be because of the fact that I have no Fallopian tubes. I know, I sound like a broken record. But the tubes are gone and that’s a fact. Then add bcp’s to play with my hormones and emotions. Yep, not cool! Maybe I’m angry that there are a few endosisters that are pregnant? No, that’s not it. I’m happy for them and wish it was me too. Maybe it’s old fashioned jealousy. I’m jealous of what others have. What we should have. One right that all women are supposed to have and we can’t seem to get there. And no, I’m sorry, but I can’t sympathize with women who have a few children already and complaining that funds are low, that life is so bad because now, they can’t have another baby. That to me, is selfish. Maybe they shouldn’t have another child when funds are low and now they’re all of a sudden infertile. Sorry. Can’t help. Wish I could. My hearts not in it. Of course I feel bad for those women with only one child that really wanted a sibling for that child. I can only imagine that disappointment. I just wanted to be pregnant and feel a baby grow inside and see those little fingers and toes. Stare at our baby and figure out who’s nose, who’s toes, who’s hair and eyes and watch as the personality of hubby’s mom or my dad or grandmother or our grandparents skilla and talents would appear. (Sigh)
Hubby was trying to here me up last night. He did the dishes. Seriously, he said he wasn’t sure about the surrogacy thing. I’m not either. But it seems to be a strong feeling for me at this point. Almost as if I need to discuss it more with the doctor and even lawyers. What if we only get two embryos. Should we bother putting them in my doomed uterus? So I am researching what I can online and have to put in some calls to lawyers that specialize in infertility matters, though I’ll have my cousin help us out when/if it comes to that. Then we’d have to adopt our own baby. It’s all a little confusing.
I also hate eating out. I hate it more now that I can’t eat wheat and I’m not supposed to have milk. Now I have to worry about cross contamination! I liked it better when everyone just thought I was picky. At least then, I could eat the bread. Even hubby thinks I’m going to extremes. Well, I’m not. I feel better now. It’s been 6 weeks and I’m not constantly in pain, bloated or on the toilet. Hasn’t he noticed? I’d love nothing more than to eat my original pound cake. I don’t like the one I made that’s gluten/wheat free. Food issues are not helping my attitude!
To end my day yesterday, I was cuddling in the couch with the dogs, finally feeling better and then it happened. I felt it. A tiny deer tick was crawling on my arm. It was so fast and tiny. Hubby grabbed the scotch tape and I got the heebie jeebies. Eeeeew. My skin was crawling. It still is. Must’ve come off the dogs as I wasn’t in the woods since lunch time and I would’ve felt it before then. I never did find that tick that got me in 1995, when I had Lyme disease so bad, they found it in my spinal fluid, as it didn’t show up in my blood until after treatment. I was in the hospital for 3 days. And that’s when my immune system went haywire!
Today is another day. I had a snack with my pill last night and it seems to have helped. I have an acupuncture appointment today, have to do some paperwork, fax something for my hubby and finally get my hair done! Sorry for the rant, but it had to come out. I don’t mean to offend anyone, but I can’t help how all of this has made me feel a bit bitter. I’m working on changing my attitude so I don’t feel as bad.


About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, allergist, anxiety, devastated, dogs, embryos, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, endometriosis diet, excision surgery for endometriosis, food allergy, hope and love, hydrosalpinx, infertility, infertility in the workplace, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, positive thinking, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to I hate ticks

  1. newtoivf says:

    You’re entitled to feel angry and bitter and shitty. Big hugs hon x

  2. cindysn says:

    Feel as bitter as you want!!!!!!!!!!! Completely normal!!!!!!!!!!

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