“This is the hardest story that I’ve ever told, No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more” – Mika, Happy Ending
This is the song verse playing in my head. Because it is the hardest story I have ever told. Putting it all out there. It’s not the happy ending we wanted.
We, hubby and myself, seem to have lost “us” during the last three years. We have had nothing but stress and heartache over trying to conceive. I have been depressed since starting the birth control pills. It’s slowly getting worse. I go through my day fighting the anxiety and tears. Mood swings? The understatement of the century. On Monday, I have an appointment to check that my ovaries have cooperated. Then I’d be given Lupron for three days. I thought that was causing my anxiety, but it turns out, these a bigger cause. Neupogen. Read the side effects. How many more drugs can I add without risk and consequence? What happens to the miracle child after all of this?
My immune panel came back. There’s an HLA gene combo I have called anti-parental antigen. Basically, my fabulous immune system is not tolerable towards the part of the embryo that is my husband. This causes the lack of implantation. We kind of knew that already and addressed it with the arsenal of shots and pills from last cycle. Now, he wants to add Neupogen, which may or may not be covered under insurance. Plus this HLA gene also has been linked to premature birth and still births, and autism. Anti-paternal antigen.
I am currently on cd14, 10 days of bcp’s behind me and I want to stop them. I’m also still taking the baby aspirin and prednisone, my generic synthroid and prenatal and vitamin D. I feel lousy. I’m in tears at work. It shouldn’t feel this way.
I was gloomy again last night. Hubby and I had a nice dinner out and gelato (which I knew I shouldn’t eat due to my milk allergy, but I had to have it and suffered greatly) and a nice short walk. When we got home I was in tears and asking what he thought of the Neupogen and everything else. It took a little while, then he said it. “I don’t think we should do this anymore.” I cried some more and then a little more when I realized it was a relief to hear it.
Then I cried more because I am not sure if we should give up. This would be the end of biological parenthood.
I always thought that a surrogate would be the answer to my evil uterus. Then my husband explained his point of view, which I never looked at. It’s another person that would be in our lives and marriage. At this point we need to be in a marriage, not just going through the motions. We love each other, we make love, we laugh sometimes, watch tv together, but we don’t really have fun anymore. It’s been one thing after another since before we for married, since we decided to start trying for a baby, it’s been an uphill battle with no end. The first year was amazing. The second year, cervical dysplasia and endometriosis. 6 surgeries, two failed IVF cycles and a failed FET cycle, followed since 2010. We’ve only been married for two years, but it feels like a lifetime. That’s not always a good thing.
I have endometriosis. There is no cure. It came into our lives the same month as our decision to start a family did. December 2009. I also have no tubes and adenomyosis now, along with Hashimoto’s and food allergies. It’s like a cruel curse. It’s been a vicious cycle. I want out of it!