Rambles, weaning and life

My brain doesn’t stop! I sometimes question why my brain won’t let me rest? Why do I have to dwell on things? How come I just can’t get myself to live in the moment?
I always imagined having a child that could reteach me how to do just that. Live in their eyes for a day, children are miraculous. If you watch a child in a new place. At first, they seem afraid, then, little by little, they see something (a bug, a flower, a color,etc) and their face lights up and they smile. Everything is new and wonderful. Just like they are.
But this is just an excuse I’ve given myself to not live in the moment. I guess I could just watch the way my dogs live. For example, yesterday, my boy was bouncy and twirling around, obviously so very excited that we were going to the same yard as we do everyday, so he could go to the bathroom. And he was still so happy to go there. There were new smells a d they ran a little and barked a little. When we came inside, he immediately jumped on the couch and my girl ran to the bed. They know how to make themselves comfy. They have their routine and they let us know when it’s time to go out or go to bed. Well, now they just go to bed and I have to find a spot when I get there. Not really, but I hate to disturb them. These are my kids!
Everyday is a new day to start over and be excited. I have to remind myself of this. I’m back to reading affirmations and listening to music. I still can’t listen to Jason Mraz, ” I Won’t Give Up.” It was my mantra for so long. I know I didn’t give up, I’m just so tired of fighting my body, which obviously has other plans, and I refuse to put any more drugs into my system.
I’m still a little anxious about stopping the ART, but I know it’s the right thing for us. For me, I can’t live this way anymore. It can’t be good to constantly want something that your body will never produce. My body has told me several times that it’s just not going to happen. “Not in the cards” as they say, whoever “they” are. And now I’m listening. I just can’t justify taking a drug that’s made for chemo patients along with all the other ones I was on. Speaking of the pills I was taking, I’m weaning myself off the prednisone. This one actually made me feel better. How sad is that? I had no idea I needed a steroid! Now that I’m on half the dosage, my skin is having issues again, my lips are chapped and I think I need to investigate this further, but my breathing is off. I’m breathing fine but when I yawn, sometimes I can’t get that big inhale that comes with it. My mouth opens and nothing comes out. It’s quite comical and very annoying! I was only on the birth control pill for 9 days, my skin was fine before I went on it, but I was on prednisone too, now it’s breaking out and itchy. Oh why can’t it be easy? So I made an appointment with the allergist to go ahead and test me for the rest of my allergies. The only ones i know for sure is wheat, milk, strawberries and any raw vegetables! Yes, it sucks to be me! Don’t get me started on removing my uterus.
These chapped lips? Painful and not so pretty!


About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, allergist, anxiety, dogs, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, endometriosis diet, excision surgery for endometriosis, food allergy, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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