A part of me

Sometimes I do too much thinking. I think myself into a problem or a mood. We all do it. Today, I am working my hardest to avoid really getting sad. It’s inevitable that I will be sad at times because I won’t be a mother to our children. Dogs don’t count, even though I feel so much love for them. I could never imagine what a mother feels for their child.
I can only imagine the fear moms must have when their kids are out of sight.
I can only say how much I love my dogs, my poodles. I swear, they’re mine. If I were a poodle I would’ve birthed these very dogs to be a part of me. Each one is special and each one has their issues, just like me! Ok now I have to support that statement without using names. My old guy, part of a set of twins, rescued, has had the same amount of surgeries as I did last year. Two. Of course his were 9 days apart and mine were 4 months apart. He’s also all heart, has a really weak stomach, very sensitive and anxious (just like me). His sister is very vain. It’s been rough on her this past year or so. She got her rabies vaccine and had a reaction and now she’s almost blind. It’s very sad because she loves playing ball. She was upset when her brother was sick and perked up as soon as he felt better. Anyway, she’s the pretty one, she loves to be called pretty, I mean it! She likes having painted toenails and bows in her hair. She’s also the smart one (like me) and then growls at the others when she’s on the couch. Ok, I feel like doing that too sometimes and who doesn’t like their toenails done? They live with my parents, which breaks my heart every time I leave them, but the house I too small for four dogs. Yes, I have two more. The young ones. They’re actually middle aged now, 6 & 7. Lets see, my champion boy is a sweet mush. He lives for cuddles and hugs and sleeps on the bed. He’s smart but doesn’t let on that he is. He’s also got a competitive nature and loved being a show dog, but not as much as being a couch potato. He is now neutered and loves my husband more than he loves me. It’s adorable. He got that from me, I love my hubby too. My little girl is petite and has atypical, yes, atypical Addison’s disease. She’s on prednisone everyday for the rest of her life. She’s very attached to me and I am to her as well, but at the same time, she keeps her distance and watches from across the room. She is the boss and will put the boy in his place when he gets rambunctious. Her disease makes it hard for her to deal with stress and her meds need to be upped before stressful situations. Even a haircut (by her mom, me) stresses her out. I’m not quite that bad, but I seem to stress easily and I really do try to be the alpha in the house. They all listen to me individually. But they’re a pack together it can be loud as well as embarrassing. I love them all. I do tend to favor whomever is sick. So, my old guy and my AD girl do get a lot of my attention. I have nightmares about my old guy all the time. I wake up screaming and then I don’t want to tell my husband why. I worry about all four and I love them all in their own ways.
Ok, I went in a completely different direction. I was going to write about the day I knew the embryos didn’t implant. But this is a much better post. Maybe I’ll get into that another time.
Remember to say something nice to yourself today!

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in anxiety, dogs, Embryo transfer, infertility, invisible illness and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A part of me

  1. I’ll remember as long as you do!!!

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