Tough day

There will be tough days and I know I’ll never “get over” it (living childless). It’s been three weeks since we decided to end our quest to be parents.
I made the mistake of going to the supermarket on a Sunday evening in one of the hottest vacation spots in the Hamptons. Oh yeah, I live here, please remember that we are humans and we need to eat too.
Anyway.
The first thing I see upon entering the store is a new mom and her brand new baby in the wagon. Great. I avoided eye contact and kept walking straight to the ketchup aisle to get my Simply Heinz ( gluten free and no high fructose corn syrup). I gather what I need and go look for my husband. He was at the deli counter. We went to the dreaded dairy aisle (where you can find all the ice cream I can’t eat) to get some yoghurt. Then I saw it. The couple that pushed me over the edge and made me want to scream. I have to say, I am not a skinny woman, not in perfect shape , sometimes I’m even quite chubby, but these people were large. Obese. We’re talking way beyond overweight. And pregnant! I don’t mean to offend anyone, everyone has the right to motherhood, but seeing her waddle down the ice cream aisle, rubbing her belly, with her extremely large husband waddling behind her, just pissed me off. It made me feel like maybe I did something wrong. How did they get so lucky and we didn’t? How in the world are they going to run after a toddler? I know it’s just me being overly sensitive about it. It never bothered me that much before (seeing obese couples with kids or pregnant), now it’s like sticking a knife in my gut and twisting it.
When I told hubby how I was feeling, he didn’t respond. We were driving home and he didn’t say anything. So I asked why he wasn’t saying anything and he responded that he didn’t know how to respond (Um, no you didn’t do anything wrong would be nice and I told him so but he still didn’t say it). It’s understandable that he never knows what to say to me anymore when I get down about it. But say its not my fault please! I sometimes feel like it’s all on me, because it is. It’s me who has this killer immune system, endometriosis, adenomyosis, fear of drugs, etc. it is my body that has had numerous surgeries and procedures. I have a great husband.
We have our reasons why we won’t adopt and I listed them in a previous post. It doesn’t change the fact that this hurts deep inside and I often get choked up or mad or start crying just thinking about it. I know we did the right thing in stopping that last cycle. We tried everything I was willing to pump into my body. I even tried the bcp’s and all they did was make me incredibly depressed and terribly moody. I took Femara, Lovenox (blood thinner) injections, prednisone, antibiotics (both orally and vaginally), baby aspirin, estrogen (injectable and vaginally), progesterone, more anesthesia, only got one embryo and my uterus still destroyed our embryos (we used our last embryo from 2011). I wasn’t adding anything else. It was too much. Maybe if we were younger and I hadn’t had so many surgeries with the wrong doctors for a disease that there’s no cure for, maybe we would’ve taken a break and tried that other drug that may not be covered under insurance. Maybe it would’ve worked. But for how long? I don’t really need to think about it anymore and I shouldn’t. But I do. How long would I have been pregnant for? A week? That was me, twice. A month? Half way? Preemie? Stillborn? Oh god, its horrible. I know strong women who have had exactly one of each of these or two of these horrors happen to them. My heart breaks for them. I pray they get their babies someday soon, a few have. Miscarriages, stillborns, even my grandmother had a baby that died of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). I cant even imagine the pain that would bring. How hard it must be to go through all of that. I’ll never know how that feels and I feel guilty knowing that i never have to.
I hope I didn’t offend anyone. Who knows of the couple conceived naturally or went to an RE? It was a shock to me. Truly. In time these things won’t bother me as much and we will be happy together as a family of two (with a few fur kids).

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, allergist, anxiety, devastated, embryos, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, food allergy, hope and love, hydrosalpinx, infertility, infertility in the workplace, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, laparoscopy, positive thinking, reproductive immunology and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Tough day

  1. rosiedd78 says:

    Sorry it was a rough day. I have those same thoughts about other unhealthy looking parents/parents-to-be and feeling super aggravated about the unfairness of it all. I know there’s not much to say to make it better, but you’re not alone in feeling angry and guilty for the roadblocks. I had cancer 3 years ago and the chemo destroyed my eggs. I deal with the guilt/self-blame all the time, so I understand that feeling completely. But you did not give yourself endo. You do not deserve to be in pain. Be kind to yourself (and stay away from “family” places on tough days – delivery, please!).

  2. katherinea12 says:

    I am so sorry. Wish there were more adequate words than that. Thinking of you.

  3. cindysn says:

    I am sorry your having a rough time. I wish I could say something to make you feel any better but there really are no words. You cant change how you feel

  4. newtoivf says:

    I feel such anger and bitterness when I see unhealthy or irresponsible people with children, its all so unfair xx

  5. Lauren says:

    I wish there were something I could say. I know what it feels like to see people who “don’t deserve” to be parents if you don’t. It’s a terrible feeling, a terrible moment. I can’t imagine everything you must have been through to get to the point where you say ENOUGH. I am thinking of you and send you much love. xo

  6. Tiffany says:

    I know this feeling so well. Especially when my RE suggested that my 20lb weight gain was to blame for our difficulty with IVF. I met a woman whose stomach quite literally hangs to her knees, and she has newborn twins through IVF. A close friend who has 3 kids from the only 2 IVF cycles she ever had to do, but she’s over 300lbs and just had gastric bypass surgery. Explain that 20 lbs again, doc. It made me so enraged. And I lost that extra weight, and our next 3 cycles still failed. I wish there were some rhyme or reason to it all. Hang in there. xoxo

  7. Samantha says:

    I’m the same too if I see unhealthy couples and I have seen and know some and they’re fine conceiving it makes me so angry and bitter and jealous and then I feel I am a bad person. I feel I must’ve done something wrong to be denied it but I haven’t undergone IVF yet I am just about to start on Friday but I still get angry cause the ones I know they conceived naturally.

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