Heal me-slowly

I took a walk today. I sometimes get my lunch break early, today it was at 10:30am. Lucky for me, my husband will be walking the dogs today, the weather is perfect, and I brought a short sleeved shirt to change into. Perfect right?
Well, my anxiety has been increased lately and can actually make venturing outside for a walk difficult. Believe it!
I had the rest of my breakfast because I was feeling a little heartburn brewing. Then it was time to go outside. I put my iPod on shuffle and placed the earbuds in my ears (hey apple! Can you make these for smaller ears? Thanks) I was worried about it at first, yes, just the walk around a crowded town. I know it sounds ridiculous but it’s what my mind does. All before I get to the sidewalk. I’ve got a bunch of self help tools in my pocket, so, I pulled a couple out. I told myself, I am safe, there are shortcuts back to the building, there are stores and people everywhere, I am fine. Self talk at its finest. I skipped to songs that made me feel good and positive. I thought it was time to cut the crap! And I walked briskly. Kind of bounced a little in my step with certain songs. The first song was a Bob Marley tune, the next two were Jason Mraz (I’m pretty sure he’s my guru). I always feel better when I listen and understand the lyrics or at least what they mean to me. I was listening to “Song for a friend” trying not to sing along in public. “You’ve got to love yourself”. It was only a 20 minute walk and I wished I wouldn’t have to go back.
I passed by a hedge and took a deep inhalation. The scent brought back find memories of my childhood summers spent with my grandparents overseas. My grandfather would trim their hedges, garden and had the best apple orchard in the county. My grandmother would peel potatoes and cook and bake my favorite cake before our arrival. I’ve made the cake and it’s close but not quite there. Where can I get chocolate glaze that hardens in the US? She’d bake two and put one in the freezer and magically, she baked a cake overnight! I miss them. I hope they know how much I loved them.
On my walk, while listening to music, I smiled and took deep breaths. It was so healing. Somehow that helped me feel better.
Then I saw three very pregnant women. The first two didn’t bother me. Then I saw the third one up close and I got a little upset again. But I think it’s better than it was. I hate infertility.
I wonder if I just need a vacation? But in the words of Jason Mraz “you don’t need a vacation when there’s nothing to escape from”- Everything is Sound.


About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in anxiety, Hashimotos thyroiditis, hope and love, invisible illness, positive thinking and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Heal me-slowly

  1. newtoivf says:

    good for you for getting out there. my current mission is to go 1 day without seeing any pregnant women….its been my mission for a month and haven’t managed it yet. they’re everywhere. *sigh* xx

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