Holiday blues have begun to strike me

Sorry I’ve been MIA lately. I’ve been quite busy with a dog in our family. I won’t go into the details now, I may post about that at another time. I have been trying to keep my dogs separate from this blog, even though they are a huge part of my life, they are my children.
It’s holiday season, whether I like it or not, I always get choked up and a little depressed at this time of year. And it does start on Halloween and lasts until Christmas.
Halloween is actually a wonderful day. It is the day I met my husband face to face again after twelve years had gone by. He was so handsome, waiting outside for me to arrive. We did go out to dinner to celebrate. But…. Let me backtrack to earlier in the day:
I had to work. So, it was inevitable that I would see children in costumes, I am, after all, in sort of a fishbowl with big windows. Not only did I see costumes, there was a large parade of children and their teachers and chaperones. My first reaction was an “awe, look how cute”. Then, there were a few “what the heck is that supposed to be”, I don’t know what character wears spandex unitards in blue and green. Then I saw it, a tiny little Dorothy with her chaperones as the scarecrow, tin man and Glenda the good witch. She was so adorable. I got pretty melancholy after that.
I perked up on my way home to see my hubby and the dogs. He’s been working on the house and we got two new air tight windows in the living room. Just in time for some cold weather. I changed and we went to dinner.
At the restaurant, we got a romantic table by the fireplace, which was on! We ordered and were having a nice time.
All of a sudden a couple came from the other room with twins in their hand held baby carriers, each holding one. Then mom had to know the couple who were sitting right next to us. Oh yeah, bragging about how they were awesome twins and she’s planning on having another baby ASAP, not sure if her hubby is ready or not but she doesn’t care. I was actually holding my breath, I didn’t even realized I had sucked in air and to let it out. So I looked at my husband and rolled my eyes. But he didn’t laugh at me. Then I said something after they left and his response was to ask if he should get out the violin! What? Yeah. So I paused for a while. Then I blurted out,”yes, break out the violins (and some cheese for my whine)!”
Instead of continuing on with an argument, I thought about it as we sat in silence, he must have a little pain every time he sees a baby too, right? So, I dropped it and we had a lovely dinner to celebrate meeting each other five years ago.
I still have at least one customer a week that asks if I have children. One woman told me I could have hers (no, really, she did). To most I say “no, I have dogs”. But some get the “nope, can’t have any” and then they feel bad for asking. And sometimes I think to myself, good! Why is it that the first thing people, mostly women, ask is, “do you have any kids?” I mean, everything is geared towards them anyway. I saw a new sign in the parking lot the other day that read “For expectant and new mothers only”. What?!? Where’s mine, “For people with Lyme, Fibro, autoimmune disease, and endometriosis, with a side of evil uterus, only!” Don’t get me wrong I understand that shopping with a big belly and or a tiny baby is difficult, but how do they regulate what constitutes a new baby? Oh I’m going off again. Sorry.
Now when I get the complaining moms and grandmothers, I smile, listen and wait. Most of them look at me and must realize or just come to their own conclusion that they’re lucky to have them. And that’s all I say to them. Lucky you!
Back to the holidays…
Last Thanksgiving, hubby and I decided we were going to do it all by ourselves. We made the turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce from scratch. And it was just the two of us. It was amazing! I missed my parents and being with family, but, at the same time, I was so glad to stay in comfy clothes, nap, eat and hang out all day with my hubby and the dogs.
Last Christmas wasn’t good. I, according to my husband (and he’s usually right), had a mini meltdown. I feel bad that it happened at his parents house. I won’t go into all the details. I was on edge, and bitter and frustrated. For some reason, I was really missing my family, which is absolutely ridiculous considering I see them once or twice a week. But that’s how I felt.
I had had surgery at the end of September, one of our family dogs had two surgeries (bloat surgery to save his life, 4 days after my surgery and a toe amputation from an infection he had before he bloated and the same one I’ve been busy with in my days off now) and he had a huge sore on his leg that I had been helping treat and I guess I was a little stressed being away. Oh yeah, in my previous career, I was a veterinary technician, so I have many dog stories!
I was crying a lot. I was watching all the grand kids open their presents and still hating that I couldn’t give them grandchildren. Then that trickles down into the whys and how comes and eventually, you think you’re not good enough. It was the first time since I had quit smoking where I really wanted to go buy a pack of cigarettes.
I had a meltdown at the in laws house and I blame it all on infertility and endometriosis. But I could also add autoimmune disease, hormones, mthfr and crappy adrenals!
We drove home on Christmas and a miracle happened when we got to my parents house to pick up our dogs, the sore on his leg was healed, Merry Christmas indeed. That sore was there since surgery in October. I’ll get to that too one day!
Anyway, I’m always relieved when the new year comes and we can focus on other things. My hubby and I usually spend New Years alone in the house and make up some resolutions, ones we know we can’t break! I am especially looking forward to the new year now, as we have new things to look forward to, I’m not quite sure what that’ll be yet, but I’m sure it’ll be great. And IVF and baby making is no longer in the mix! My body made that decision for me and then I began a new journey to better my health. And I have so much to work on. That’s a-whole-nother post!!!

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About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in adenomyosis, anxiety, devastated, dogs, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, Hashimotos thyroiditis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, laparoscopy, positive thinking and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Holiday blues have begun to strike me

  1. dogsarentkids says:

    Yep. Holidays are terrible! The other day, DH was saying how it’s weird that holidays are joyous anymore. I didn’t bother telling him why he probably doesn’t enjoy them..

    And I HATE when people say I can have one of theirs, since they have so many kids. BLAH shut up!

  2. gsmwc02 says:

    This is our first set of holidays since my diagnosis last year. Though we went to our first RE a few days before Christmas and ended up doing a dinner on Christmas eve. We came out to our parents the day we had our appointment to let them know we had been trying for a year and a half and were seeing a doctor to find out if anything was wrong.

    The day after Christmas I have my SA which came back with the zero point zero result and a month later I found out there was nothing that could be done. This year I think it will be the same deal, we’ll avoid my Aunts Christmas Eve with my cousins kids and just visit my parents and brother (who has no kids) on Christmas Day,

    Reading your story makes me feel a bit better that we can get through this. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes during the upcoming holiday season.

    • To you as well. It is rough. I’m hoping every year it will get better. I, too, avoid celebrating with my family because my cousins have 8 young kids between them and I just have a feeling one of the others will announce a pregnancy this year. I love my family but it hurts so much.

  3. Stina says:

    Oh Holidays are so hard, I had my hysterectomy on December 7 2000 while my best friend lay dying in the hospital the week prior. She finally passed away on December 6. It still haunts my holidays. You’d think I’d be over it by now, but alas, for some reason it just gets stuck there in my mind and heart. I’m determined to fight it this year though. Every year does get a little easier if I remember to focus on the positives. I know everyone says that it helps and it used to irritate me when people were like, “Just find something to be grateful for…” but it really does help. Thanks for writing this, it is nice to know I’m not the only one struggling. I hope you can find some peace this season, maybe we can work on it together. 🙂

    • Oh I’m so sorry. That is really terrible.
      I try to be grateful everyday for what I do have. Sometimes we forget but I usually remember by mid morning that I should be grateful I woke up in the morning, that my husband woke up with me and my parents and family are all ok today! Thank you. Big hugs! Feel free to keep in touch via email this season if you need an ear, I’m here! I’ll cry with you.

  4. sadietrue says:

    Christmas used to be my absolute favourite time of the year but now it just gives me anxiety. I hate this rule in my family that adults only buy presents for the kids, not for each other. It means that I have to fork out money for a whole bunch of nieces and nephews (who I love, but that’s irrelevant) and no one has to spend a cent on my husband and I. The two of us somehow don’t count because we don’t have kids. It makes me down that no one even considers this rule insensitive.

  5. cindysn says:

    The holidays can def affect your mood good or bad

  6. kerrinj says:

    The holidays are hard. I’m crying just reading your post. And I can relate to your friend who said you are expected to buy for everyone’s kids, yet you are forgotten bc you don’t have children. It’s not about the gifts, but the thought. We should still matter even though we can’t have children

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