What does it mean?

I feel like I’m being tested. Everything that’s been happening lately just gives me a feeling like God or the universe is trying to tell me something. I think I need a change. Or maybe I need to change. I need to change my way of thinking. I need to learn to love myself
and it sounds so conceited when I say that, but I really mean it. If you love yourself, you can do anything because you believe in you! It just sounds silly when I say it, or write it in this case.
I’ve gone to psychics. I’ve had Angel readings and everyone says the same thing; I have to learn to love myself. Heck, even Jason Mraz sings it in Song For A Friend, I cry sometimes when I listen to this live version from the concert I saw at Madison Square Garden. http://youtu.be/mz_sfxhkLaQ
I enjoy being creative. I like to write. I love when you guys give me some feedback and tell me how I’m doing on this blog. It may not be all about infertility and IVF anymore, but it’s always going to be a part of my life. It always comes up.
I think about IF and I’ll be okay for a while and then something or someone will trigger it and I get sad. But only for a little while. I talked about yesterday with my mother and I said I was okay with it and sometimes I really and truly am and sometimes I’m not. Apparently just talking about it made me have a dream about it last night or early this morning. It was kind of strange and maybe enlightening for me at the same time.
I usually don’t remember my dreams, this one was a little different. I don’t remember it all. From what I do remember it had to do with having children, but I think I was in a parallel life. In my dream I had apparently given birth to a baby. My grandmother was there, actually I think both grandmothers were there. A family friend had put stuffed animals all (kind of creepily straight) on shelves in a nursery. There was no crib but there was a nursery. In this dream I was outside of the car with my child in the car, but not in a baby-seat. I kept yelling for somebody to go get him/her and put him/her in the seat. But no one came. I of course thought of every bad thing that could happen. Then I thought, I can’t see the baby, he/she probably fell and broke an arm. Then, it was like a strap broke, I was released from whatever was holding me back. I ran to the car, now an SUV, I swung open the door and thought,”oh no, she’s limping”. And when I pulled up the “baby”, it was a cream standard poodle puppy, holding her front leg up in the air.
Then I woke up.
What does it all mean?
I know my dogs aren’t my children. But sometimes I feel like they are, because it’s as close as I’ll get to being a mom.



About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
This entry was posted in anxiety, dogs, Endometriosis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, positive thinking and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to What does it mean?

  1. Elisha says:

    I don’t know what your dreams mean…but I do agree that you should love yourself. God thinks the world of you and you should too. In fact, if He had a fridge, your picture would be on it. If He had a wallet, your picture would be in it.

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