I woke up the other day feeling excited. I’m doing it!
It’s time to get back the old me in a new and improved way!
When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I was so confident. I’d go to NYC on the train by myself. I took my dogs to out of state dog shows and showed them myself (in a pretty darn competitive breed ring). I went without looking back. I had no doubt I would have fun with my dogs and my friends. I had no fear of what could happen. I just did it. I started and ran a successful business. It was successful for me. I had enough money to pay for 6 dogs food (special diets), medications, preventatives, blood work, etc. I paid for the traveling to the shows, entry fees and food for me. I paid my car payment and bills. I even bought my discount health insurance. I was a success. I was a hermit the rest of the time and needed to get back into a career.
I tried going back to being a veterinary technician. After a year, it just wasn’t for me anymore. I found it difficult to restrain animals.
Then I met my husband and moved.
I dissolved my pet services business and I miss all of the dogs (and cats) I took care of. I still keep in touch with most of my old clients.
I worked as a receptionist (in the animal business) and enjoyed it. I’ve always been in some form of customer service! It was difficult to work for other people again. I used to make my own hours and money. Now I was working for peanuts! Still am. (For now).
Then my health went haywire! I’m pretty sure stress kick started it into high gear and then the first surgery with anesthesia moved it into OMG territory!
Ok, so while being a receptionist in a small business, I had a LEEP for cervical dysplasia within 5 months of starting. Then after another 6 months I had my first laparoscopy and had my endometriosis diagnosis. I had to take a week off because I couldn’t sit up after that surgery. My husband and I had seen a reproductive immunologist to discuss having a baby. After all of that testing and autoimmune issues that pooped up, I had on and off pains and anxiety so bad that I went to a neurologist to make sure I wasn’t having a stroke. And I wasn’t. The neurologist said I probably have Fibromyalgia.
We got married. Then I had a diagnostic lap and my laparotomy one year after the first surgery for an endometrioma. I lost that job.
I believe now that it was fate. My dad wound up needing me to be available that summer, a month after my surgery, to help my mom and take care of him once he was on the mend.
While I was looking for the job I have now, we did IVF number 1 and got pregnant. I started my job the week we had the early miscarriage. Another blessing in disguise (the job not the mc).
I work for a large company now. I have good benefits. I’ve been able to have the time off for a FET(frozen cycle that also ended in a loss), 4 more laparoscopies and another IVF, in the last two and a half years. I’m still part time with full time hours.
All of these surgeries and “failures” had lowered my self esteem to barely there. I was afraid to drive at night (in my defense, I do have a hard time with night vision and glare from the headlights). Heck I was afraid to drive long distances during the day. I’m working on being alone. I’ve had a year in my “box” to do just that. I’m winning.
I’ve met some incredible people/friends in the last year who have become teachers to me. I’ve learned that I can do whatever I put my mind to. And I will. All will be revealed in due time.
I’m determined that I will heal myself, so that I too, one day, can help others.
I have to thank a friend from twitter for this pic!
