Braveness In Infertiliy

The first time I heard Sara Bariellos’ song BrBraveave, I was sitting in the waiting room of the reproductive specialist. I remember looking at the tv, while waiting to pick up our last embryo for it’s trip to Manhattan. I remember hearing the song and words and thinking how great they were, (I was so scared of the last IVF). I have no idea if it was on the tv show or on their sound system.
Hindsight is a strange, sometimes funny thing. In my case, more of a confirmation of what I think I may have known deep down.
I was so scared of all of the drugs that were needed to try to get me pregnant and keep me pregnant (if that miracle were to happen for a third time). I was worried. I was constantly worrying! I still do, but not nearly as much as I had been worrying. All that wasted time, being scared and worried. I wasn’t too great of a wife or friend either. There was too much “me” time, like a constant pity party in my head. If I wasn’t worried or feeling scared, I was in pain from the endometriosis. Thank god I discovered acupuncture and my wheat allergy.
So there I was, sitting in the waiting room of a place that had done two of my embryo transfers (which had hung out for a little bit). I still vaguely think there was a plate of strawberries by their coffee machine. I’m highly allergic to strawberries.
The last time I was there, for my transfer, I was crying in pain, I still remember the song that was playing when we entered the transfer room. An Extreme song that I used to love and now, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to listen to it without seeing that room and feeling that misery. I feel, not only the pain of them pushing on my scar tissue (and fully loaded bladder), but the pain of losing that em-baby too.
So, yeah! I do like that song, but I don’t like what it reminds me of.
Sending love and light to all of those struggling with infertility. You’re never far from my mind. You’re all brave. You! Your family, whether that be a family of two, three (hopefully) or four or more (incredibly blessed), to go through the battle of the testing, drugs, consultation after consultation, year after year. Remember to love yourself and your spouse!

About our last embryo

I have been diagnosed with Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I have had two miscarriages. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile. Through these struggles, I had to unlearn and relearn many things, through spirituality and alternative healing modalities, I have begun the process of becoming who I am supposed to be. A healer.
This entry was posted in acupuncture, Embryo transfer, embryos, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, Hashimotos thyroiditis, hope and love, hydrosalpinx, IBS, infertility, invisible illness, IVF In Vitro Fertilization, positive thinking, reproductive immunology and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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