Last week marked the anniversary of our last IVF, with immunosuppression! Luckily for me, I’ve been very busy at my new job, to think about it for too long. When you’ve been through IVF and the emotional roller coaster those shots cause, you can understand how your feelings can be played with. Twice it worked, without any extra medications.
June 3rd, 2013. That was the day we found out our last embryo didn’t make a home in my uterus and neither did the so-called, perfect grade A embryo they put in with it! I had known for days that it didn’t work. It was still hard to know it was over. My husband woke me every morning with a little ice pack and a shot of Lovenox, I took prednisone and baby aspirin, prenatal vitamins, vitamin D, antibiotics, a very large dose of Follistim/Estrogen every night and huge needles in my rear end every night right before sitting down to dinner. Oh and who can forget the suppositories before bedtime? We did make an extraordinary effort. We even attempted to try another IVF, with the birth control pill. But after 9 days, I really couldn’t handle the hormone anymore. I wanted to throw myself in traffic, literally. I broke down and threw away the pill pack. The doctor called with more bad news; anything that was partially my husband (like all of our embryos), my body would kill off. He suggested Neupogen, which is given to cancer patients after chemo. Basically, we were to inject this every day and have lots of sex. Well, the second part wasn’t the issue. Neupogen gives you extra white blood cells, which are the cells that fight infections. It was just too much for me to handle. My endometriosis was already inflamed from all of the hormones, my adenomyosis seemed to have gotten worse since then as well. I just couldn’t do anymore. My body couldn’t and wouldn’t. I also just found out that due to one of my autoimmune issues, Lupus anticoagulant, I should never be on hormone replacement therapy or the birth control pill. Plus, after surgery, I should have been closely monitored for blood clots!!! I am now on baby aspirin for good.
I’m ok. I get sad on occasion, I even cried a few tears today and then took my first nap in years! It was awesome!
I look at my husband every now and then and wonder what he’s thinking. We are still working on our communication skills. We love each other very much and have been through so much these last four years, that I sometimes wonder what crosses his mind. He would have been the cool dad. I have to remind myself every once in a while to stop worrying about what he’s thinking. It probably has nothing to do with me and is none of my business. But, I can’t help it. I’m usually pretty good at not asking him or saying something stupid. That usually leads to an argument and in this point in my life, I try to pick and chose what is worth fighting for or about. So, sometimes I just have to keep it to myself.
I’m so grateful that he’s been there for me, every step of the way. He was by my side for 8 surgeries, a colonoscopy, an endoscopy and 2 egg retrievals and 3 embryo transfers! In less than 5 years!
As for my endometriosis and adenomyosis, I’m doing great! I believe the last surgery helped a lot, but I also believe that my diet changes, mind work (meditating, positive affirmations and positive visualization/manifestations), acupuncture and Tibetan healing bowls or sound healing, and my job change, has helped me beyond words. I had my period last week and I hardly had those leg pains or cramps and I stand most of my work day! I was so amazed and thankful. I remember listening to Louise Hay talking about how someone had cured themselves of some illness through positive affirmations/thinking and then kept saying they couldn’t believe it and sure enough, the illness came back. So, instead of saying or thinking, I couldn’t believe my period wasn’t painful, I kept saying my period isn’t painful, I am healing and I am grateful.