One of the toughest nights

One of the toughest nights I’ve had in a long time. Here I am. A grown woman. Almost 42 and I’m afraid to turn off the light. It’s been 20 years since I’ve slept alone in a dorm room. Here I am. I know no one. I hear footsteps out in the hall but I don’t know them. I’ve tried texting with my husband and my friend. But I’m just feeling more anxious. I put my headphones on to try to listen to a guided meditation and I find my heart racing and wishing my dog was laying on my legs like he always does. 

The bed squeaks. Loudly. My head is swimming with thoughts and I feel so low at this moment. I’m not really sure what or why I feel this way. I feel like I’m frozen in fear. I’m actually sitting up in bed, light is on and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Should I cry? Should I laugh? Am I hungry? What’s going on? 

I am alone. Alone with my thoughts. My reality. My fears. 

So let’s turn this into me facing this fear of being alone. I got this. I can do it. I just have to ignore the pains and the uneasy feelings. I have to be in class in 9 hours and I’m supposed to be well rested. I’m actually shivering, so, nope, not resting. 

Ok. I’ll listen to the angel meditation. Let me throw on a sweater. I’m so cold. Yup, now my teeth are chattering. 

It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow and Sunday morning. 

Oh yeah, I’m at Omega! The institute for holistic studies. This place is awesome. Not much of a food selection for someone like me with many food allergies but everyone else is raving about the awesome food. I’m starving. Yes, there is a pain in the pit of my stomach. Not really sure what’s going on. So instead I’ll text someone. Wow. Go me. Lol. I’m so tense. Maybe I’m just really tired. These aren’t hills, they’re mountains to someone like me. I come from a pretty flat island so these hills are tough. 

An awesome friend sent me a you tube link with soothing sounds. It was very relaxing. Every time I’d drift off to sleep my body would jerk myself right back awake. 

Then the hot flash to chills started. Heartburn or chest pain? 


About our last embryo

I have Endometriosis, Adenomyosis and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. I've had Lyme, Bell's Palsy and the Shingles before I was 25. I've done IVF twice, with and without immunosuppression and FET. I am married to my best friend and I am Infertile.
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