songs & inspirations

During these last 3+ years, I have endured pain, no woman (or man for that matter), should ever have to. I am a different person inside and out. I was almost ruined, destroyed. I thought I was going crazy at one point and so did my husband. No joke! I think it’s the endo that wreaks havoc on your autoimmune system and you think you’re going crazy. How could there possibly be these extraordinary pains?

After I had the first Lap in 2010, I started feeling more pain, but I also started having more panic attacks. I had been on antidepressants since 1996 and went off them so we could have a child. I hated them, I hate taking any pills. I tried to take them again in November, but I felt a little queasy the first night and the second night I got sick to my stomach and that began a whirlwind of hospital and doctors visits. I was misdiagnosed with diverticulitis again. No, now it’s IBD, GERD, acid reflux. Yup, still have acid reflux, tums was my friend.

Then, 2011 came along and I had the endoscopy, lap#2, colonoscopy, the big laparotomy, and the ER (egg retrieval). 5 times! Anesthesia 5 times! 4 times in 3 months (March & May), and then in September, a pregnancy loss.

2012 brought another pregnancy loss and 2 surgeries, and two totally different anesthesia experiences. I will write about those at another point. I have a few constants in my life, my husband, my parents, my dogs, my beliefs and my love for music.

I have to share with you the lyrics to ‘Living in the Moment,” by Jason Mraz. Yes, him again. He has sort of become my guru, well at least his music has inspired me.

If this life is one act, Why do we lay all these traps
We put them right in our path, When we just wanna be free
I will not waste my days, Making up all kinds of ways
To worry about all the things, That will not happen to me
So I just let go, of what I know I don’t know, And I know I only do this by
Living in the moment, Living my life, Easy and breezy, With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart, Got peace in my soul, Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I’m living in the moment
I’m letting myself off the hook for things I’ve done, I let my past go past
And now I’m having more fun, I’m letting go of the thoughts, That do not make me strong
And I believe this way can be the same for everyone
And if I fall asleep, I know you’ll be the one who’ll always remind me
To live in the moment, To keep living my life, Easy and breezy, With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart ,Got peace in my soul, Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I can’t walk through life, facing backwards, I have tried, I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied, the future I’d been searching for, I spun around and hurt no more
By living in the moment, Living my life, Easy and breezy, With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart, Got peace in my soul, Wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I’m living in the moment, I’m living my life, Just taking it easy, With peace in my mind
I got peace in my heart, I got peace in my soul, Oh, wherever I’m going, I’m already home
I’m living in the moment

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