I was asked what my perfect day would be like. I answered “like floating.” Feeling like I was gliding and floating and free. When asked to elaborate, I found it challenging to describe exactly what my day would entail. I couldn’t find the words to describe the feeling. I’d never known it. So, I tried to describe the floating feeling. Lightheaded? No. Sleepy? No. Not a care in the world? Wow, do I even know how I’d feel on a perfect day? Do I even know what a perfect day in my life is? Or would be? I just knew I’d be doing something to help other beings. I had a few ideas and I now have a few more. I’m meeting like minded people and loving my growth as a human! 

I was told I’d know what I’m supposed to be doing because it’ll make me so happy that I’d cry. 

Well, I had that kind of day! I’ve had a few of them actually and I’m hoping for tons more. I was free to be me! The authentic me. 

Most of the time it’s when offering reiki or sound healing to animals (and their people). I feel that so deeply in my core, that I wonder why I ever stopped working with them in the first place. Silly me, I tried to be “normal” and fit in. Hasn’t really made me happy. 

Here’s an example: I went to a rescue and offered reiki to the animals. As I went around to each one, I would feel or know who needed what or how much they would accept. They would show me or I’d pick up on something.  It was humbling and exciting.  I stood there all by myself and sobbed. 

I remember going to bed last week after I had offered reiki in an animal shelter and then gone to a circle/reiki share and met some new reiki friends. I was smiling and alive and told my husband I wanted “everyday to be like today!” And it will be, at least every Tuesday, for now. 

For more adventures like this:


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A blessing in disguise. Night two

I’m sitting on the squeaky bed looking at the catalog for this place to see what my next class will be (why are there always two things I want to go to in one weekend? I chose). 

I was about to dry my hair. All of a sudden I hear a door close and then, “oh shit!” One of my dorm mates locked herself out of her room. I jumped up, ran out and it was the woman I sat next to at orientation! I called guest services and then four of us were having a great chat. Then three, two and here I am again. But I’m feeling a little better. It’s cold. It’s pouring and chilly tonight. I have my fuzzy socks on, I am so happy that I packed them. 
I had a great, no, amazing class today. I’m a little sad that it’s ending tomorrow. The work won’t end though.  

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One of the toughest nights

One of the toughest nights I’ve had in a long time. Here I am. A grown woman. Almost 42 and I’m afraid to turn off the light. It’s been 20 years since I’ve slept alone in a dorm room. Here I am. I know no one. I hear footsteps out in the hall but I don’t know them. I’ve tried texting with my husband and my friend. But I’m just feeling more anxious. I put my headphones on to try to listen to a guided meditation and I find my heart racing and wishing my dog was laying on my legs like he always does. 

The bed squeaks. Loudly. My head is swimming with thoughts and I feel so low at this moment. I’m not really sure what or why I feel this way. I feel like I’m frozen in fear. I’m actually sitting up in bed, light is on and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Should I cry? Should I laugh? Am I hungry? What’s going on? 

I am alone. Alone with my thoughts. My reality. My fears. 

So let’s turn this into me facing this fear of being alone. I got this. I can do it. I just have to ignore the pains and the uneasy feelings. I have to be in class in 9 hours and I’m supposed to be well rested. I’m actually shivering, so, nope, not resting. 

Ok. I’ll listen to the angel meditation. Let me throw on a sweater. I’m so cold. Yup, now my teeth are chattering. 

It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow and Sunday morning. 

Oh yeah, I’m at Omega! The institute for holistic studies. This place is awesome. Not much of a food selection for someone like me with many food allergies but everyone else is raving about the awesome food. I’m starving. Yes, there is a pain in the pit of my stomach. Not really sure what’s going on. So instead I’ll text someone. Wow. Go me. Lol. I’m so tense. Maybe I’m just really tired. These aren’t hills, they’re mountains to someone like me. I come from a pretty flat island so these hills are tough. 

An awesome friend sent me a you tube link with soothing sounds. It was very relaxing. Every time I’d drift off to sleep my body would jerk myself right back awake. 

Then the hot flash to chills started. Heartburn or chest pain? 

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Another EndoSister gone

I didn’t know her personally, but I knew her. 

We all knew her. She struggled with this disease that makes other “normal” people think we’re crazy. They think we are wimps and can’t handle a painful period. Sometimes, I wish they knew!  

Until today, I always said I’d never wish this (Endo) on anyone.  I still don’t, but I did. 

I was in an angry place today when dealing with office staff at the gynecologist.  I actually thought she should get Endo. The kind that robs you of your honeymoon, children and normalcy.  The kind where, even if you don’t know when you ovulate, you do now, with the excruciating pain that only happens when a egg is released into your abdomen, because your tubes were eaten away by this disease.  The leg pain that comes the day before you get your “painful period” and lasts until the day or two after. The back pain, the migraine, the digestive issues, all of it. 

This young woman, Courtney, was only 30 years old and thought she’d be better off dead? It’s a crying shame that she thought there was no other way.  Sadly, she’s not the only one we’ve lost this year. Too many. 

Our community of EndoSisters is tough and strong and here for each other.  I may not be as active as I was in the fight, but I’m fighting with you guys every day. 


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Set back

I’ve had one! 

When you’re on a journey to learn about yourself and what makes you tick, you can discover things you do not want to! I have become very good at avoiding many things. Me? Really good at avoiding me! I think I’ll have to explain that another time. 

I’ve realized that I am not superwoman, not even close. I was very determined to be brave and strong and conquer the world of corporate America. And I did for a while! 

With this new job, that I got last year, I had many more responsibilities and pressure. I mostly have loved it, until, well, in typical fashion, I’ve been overworked and underpaid!   My supervisor had to be out for a few weeks, the manager seemed to be on his way out and I got stuck with working 50 hours a week. With half hour lunch breaks, it was only 48! That was the end of January. 

Anyway. That’s the week it all went down. Endobloat has returned and the pains accompanied it. My period in February was painful, crampy but bearable (for an Endowarrior). March, not so much. I cried. So in April when I was ovulating and in pain, I asked for part time hours. I had to. 

So yeah, it’s almost June. Last week I had pains as if I never had excision surgery. I blame stress.  100%!

The thing that saves me from going back into that depression is my spiritual journey.  It’s been challenging to meditate, but I try to get it in. I usually fall asleep. It’s  ok though. And sound healing, acupuncture and reiki. Thank god I found this. 

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Adding a link

It seems I may be moving on a bit. I will always be infertile, an Endowarrior and fighting invisible illnesses. I am sure I will continue to rant a bit about our journey. I think I have a new happy ending though. Tails of Love!


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Being mindful on Mother’s Day

This is the time of year most of us infertiles dread.  Mother’s Day and communions and confirmations.  The gatherings of a crowd of fertile people you may or may not be related to. 

Think about this; In most crowds, you have some who only brag and boast about how great they, their kids, their home, etc., are. There are also people who can’t help but complain about everything, it’s their “thing,” others who sit quietly and watch, and kids are running around.  And without fail, mothers who, excuse me but, bitch and moan about their kids. Bitch and moan.  It’s usually an actual cluster of moms, bitching and moaning. Most of the time, they’re too self absorbed in their bitch-a-thon to notice who they’re bitching to.  Me, an infertile, who has lost, not one but two pregnancies!  

I am pretty proud of myself and how I was able to sit in a roomful of mothers on Mother’s Day weekend, with a ton of children, without getting overwhelmed with emotion and sadness.  I’m pretty sure it’s because of the healing and spiritual journey I’ve been on.  I even had a brief moment of joy watching the kids all play together.  Then it happened, she said blah blah blah, “I can’t wait to go to work in the morning, so I can getaway from my kid!”  I was right there.  I turned and walked away.  

Here’s where I would’ve begun to bitch and moan for probably the rest of the night, I may have ended it with tears or been angry for days.  Who does that help?

The thing I realized was that, even though it did stay with me for about an hour afterwards, I wasn’t as angry as I would’ve been last year.  In fact, I have been avoiding most situations where I would be near a lot of moms and kids.  Last year, I would’ve made a comment to her about how lucky she is to have been able to have a child and how I couldn’t carry mine or how I have no tubes.  I thought it, but I let it go. It’s not me, I’m not going to take her ignorance personally. We’re only human. 

So, while I’d love to say, “hey people, let’s be mindful of all of the infertiles out there, you never know who is childless by choice or by no other choice,” I know this is how our society is raised and I am only responsible for myself and my actions.  We cannot control others and we have no right to. Yes, there’s always an urge to, put them in their place, so to speak, but really, it only makes us feel better for a minute and sometimes they don’t even hear you anyway. 

Big realization and learning day for me today! Namaste! Sat nam!

I’d like to wish those fortunate ladies a Happy Mother’s Day!  


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NIAW 2015

National Infertility Awareness Week was last week. I don’t really see it as a week of awareness. I’m aware of it daily. 

My coworker’s family member just had a baby. There was a “countdown” and then she was born. I congratulated her and her family and told her I was happy for them all, however, since she’s a coworker, I don’t want to talk about babies.  I did mention it was NIAW and it was a touchy subject for me (plus I got AF too, thanks universe)!!! The next day she tells me the baby’s full name! The following afternoon, she asks me if I want to see pictures! It was a huge challenge for me not to scream or smack her! 

I told my husband the other night that I felt weird that I’m not blogging lately.  I know I didn’t blog much  during endometriosis awareness month in March. I didn’t go to EndoMarch 2015 and I’m hardly talking about my infertility. 

The truth is, sometimes I don’t think about it. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t move. I’m frozen. 

It’ll hit me at work. That’s hard. I can’t cry! When I cry, my nose turns red, as do my eyelids. Then my eyes puff out. It’s ugly!!! 

It’ll hit me twice a month. Once, when I ovulate and then when AF pays a visit.  I still have the occasional person tell me “miracles happen.”  I now fight the urge to respond, “not without tubes!”

All in all, I feel like, well at least at this moment, I’m okay with not being a mom.  I’m a mom to my dogs and that’s fine with me.  Being motherly can take many forms. That’s another topic for another day. It’s all part of the journey. 

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Endoawareness month-with AF

So, I have been so busy lately (mostly in my own head and at my job), that I haven’t written any blogs.   This one may have a few TMI moments regarding my menses. 

In case I would ever forget that it’s Endo awareness month, AF (that’s aunt flow for those who aren’t aware) shows up! This time it’s very uncomfortable. 

For me to even say I’m uncomfortable is a bit bothersome.  I had no cramps or discomfort last month. It wasn’t even a heavy flow.  That was probably because I was sick and lying on the couch or in bed.   Yesterday morning, I woke up with a bit of a moan and definitely found myself whimpering a few times.  At work, my pants feel like they’re a size too small and my belly is so swollen.  Ok, I know the chocolate bar didn’t help matters.  I have another post I’m working on regarding this chocoholic thing! I was even walking a bit hunched over in the morning.  It made me think. 

Really, last month, nothing. No pain, no cramps, no (excuse me) poopathon! I haven’t had more than a bowel movement type cramp in months and now this? Crap. Has to be diet related. 

Yup, adenomyosis, thanks for making an appearance as well. How could I forget about you? You guessed it, leg pain has arrived.  It’s not nearly as bad as it was before surgery or the tibetan bowl healing session, but it’s noticeable. 

I had acupuncture today and now, heavy bleeding has begun. I’m thinking it has something to do with the new moon, solar eclipse and spring arriving, while we have another snow event!  Naw, just AF with a side of endometriosis!  Probably all of the above. 

Now, you’re probably curious why I would admit this when I’ve been telling you about the amazing healing taking place in my life. Well, we, I, have to do the work too.  If my diet is crap and I don’t use my bowls or self reiki or even my crystals, how do I heal?  Exactly!  Apparently, I’ve taken a little break this month and this is what happens.  It’s ok. I’m human and I’m ok with it. 

You can bet your butt I’m not letting this happen again!  Time for big changes with this new moon and spring arriving! 

Posted in acupuncture, adenomyosis, Crystals, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, endometriosis diet, excision surgery for endometriosis, integrative medicine, invisible illness, meditation, million women march for endo, positive thinking, reiki, Tibetan bowls | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment