I was asked what my perfect day would be like. I answered “like floating.” Feeling like I was gliding and floating and free. When asked to elaborate, I found it challenging to describe exactly what my day would entail. I couldn’t find the words to describe the feeling. I’d never known it. So, I tried to describe the floating feeling. Lightheaded? No. Sleepy? No. Not a care in the world? Wow, do I even know how I’d feel on a perfect day? Do I even know what a perfect day in my life is? Or would be? I just knew I’d be doing something to help other beings. I had a few ideas and I now have a few more. I’m meeting like minded people and loving my growth as a human!
I was told I’d know what I’m supposed to be doing because it’ll make me so happy that I’d cry.
Well, I had that kind of day! I’ve had a few of them actually and I’m hoping for tons more. I was free to be me! The authentic me.
Most of the time it’s when offering reiki or sound healing to animals (and their people). I feel that so deeply in my core, that I wonder why I ever stopped working with them in the first place. Silly me, I tried to be “normal” and fit in. Hasn’t really made me happy.
Here’s an example: I went to a rescue and offered reiki to the animals. As I went around to each one, I would feel or know who needed what or how much they would accept. They would show me or I’d pick up on something. It was humbling and exciting. I stood there all by myself and sobbed.
I remember going to bed last week after I had offered reiki in an animal shelter and then gone to a circle/reiki share and met some new reiki friends. I was smiling and alive and told my husband I wanted “everyday to be like today!” And it will be, at least every Tuesday, for now.
For more adventures like this: http://www.tailsofloveblog.wordpress.com
I’m sitting on the squeaky bed looking at the catalog for this place to see what my next class will be (why are there always two things I want to go to in one weekend? I chose).
I was about to dry my hair. All of a sudden I hear a door close and then, “oh shit!” One of my dorm mates locked herself out of her room. I jumped up, ran out and it was the woman I sat next to at orientation! I called guest services and then four of us were having a great chat. Then three, two and here I am again. But I’m feeling a little better. It’s cold. It’s pouring and chilly tonight. I have my fuzzy socks on, I am so happy that I packed them.
I had a great, no, amazing class today. I’m a little sad that it’s ending tomorrow. The work won’t end though.
One of the toughest nights I’ve had in a long time. Here I am. A grown woman. Almost 42 and I’m afraid to turn off the light. It’s been 20 years since I’ve slept alone in a dorm room. Here I am. I know no one. I hear footsteps out in the hall but I don’t know them. I’ve tried texting with my husband and my friend. But I’m just feeling more anxious. I put my headphones on to try to listen to a guided meditation and I find my heart racing and wishing my dog was laying on my legs like he always does.
The bed squeaks. Loudly. My head is swimming with thoughts and I feel so low at this moment. I’m not really sure what or why I feel this way. I feel like I’m frozen in fear. I’m actually sitting up in bed, light is on and I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Should I cry? Should I laugh? Am I hungry? What’s going on?
I am alone. Alone with my thoughts. My reality. My fears.
So let’s turn this into me facing this fear of being alone. I got this. I can do it. I just have to ignore the pains and the uneasy feelings. I have to be in class in 9 hours and I’m supposed to be well rested. I’m actually shivering, so, nope, not resting.
Ok. I’ll listen to the angel meditation. Let me throw on a sweater. I’m so cold. Yup, now my teeth are chattering.
It’s supposed to rain all day tomorrow and Sunday morning.
Oh yeah, I’m at Omega! The institute for holistic studies. This place is awesome. Not much of a food selection for someone like me with many food allergies but everyone else is raving about the awesome food. I’m starving. Yes, there is a pain in the pit of my stomach. Not really sure what’s going on. So instead I’ll text someone. Wow. Go me. Lol. I’m so tense. Maybe I’m just really tired. These aren’t hills, they’re mountains to someone like me. I come from a pretty flat island so these hills are tough.
An awesome friend sent me a you tube link with soothing sounds. It was very relaxing. Every time I’d drift off to sleep my body would jerk myself right back awake.
Then the hot flash to chills started. Heartburn or chest pain?
I didn’t know her personally, but I knew her.
We all knew her. She struggled with this disease that makes other “normal” people think we’re crazy. They think we are wimps and can’t handle a painful period. Sometimes, I wish they knew!
Until today, I always said I’d never wish this (Endo) on anyone. I still don’t, but I did.
I was in an angry place today when dealing with office staff at the gynecologist. I actually thought she should get Endo. The kind that robs you of your honeymoon, children and normalcy. The kind where, even if you don’t know when you ovulate, you do now, with the excruciating pain that only happens when a egg is released into your abdomen, because your tubes were eaten away by this disease. The leg pain that comes the day before you get your “painful period” and lasts until the day or two after. The back pain, the migraine, the digestive issues, all of it.
This young woman, Courtney, was only 30 years old and thought she’d be better off dead? It’s a crying shame that she thought there was no other way. Sadly, she’s not the only one we’ve lost this year. Too many.
Our community of EndoSisters is tough and strong and here for each other. I may not be as active as I was in the fight, but I’m fighting with you guys every day.
I’ve had one!
When you’re on a journey to learn about yourself and what makes you tick, you can discover things you do not want to! I have become very good at avoiding many things. Me? Really good at avoiding me! I think I’ll have to explain that another time.
I’ve realized that I am not superwoman, not even close. I was very determined to be brave and strong and conquer the world of corporate America. And I did for a while!
With this new job, that I got last year, I had many more responsibilities and pressure. I mostly have loved it, until, well, in typical fashion, I’ve been overworked and underpaid! My supervisor had to be out for a few weeks, the manager seemed to be on his way out and I got stuck with working 50 hours a week. With half hour lunch breaks, it was only 48! That was the end of January.
Anyway. That’s the week it all went down. Endobloat has returned and the pains accompanied it. My period in February was painful, crampy but bearable (for an Endowarrior). March, not so much. I cried. So in April when I was ovulating and in pain, I asked for part time hours. I had to.
So yeah, it’s almost June. Last week I had pains as if I never had excision surgery. I blame stress. 100%!
The thing that saves me from going back into that depression is my spiritual journey. It’s been challenging to meditate, but I try to get it in. I usually fall asleep. It’s ok though. And sound healing, acupuncture and reiki. Thank god I found this.
Posted in anxiety, devastated, Endometriosis, endometriosis awareness, excision surgery for endometriosis, Hashimotos thyroiditis, hope and love, infertility, invisible illness, positive thinking
Tagged endometriosis, healing, hope, Love, reiki
It seems I may be moving on a bit. I will always be infertile, an Endowarrior and fighting invisible illnesses. I am sure I will continue to rant a bit about our journey. I think I have a new happy ending though. Tails of Love!