It’s been a good 4 years

I’ve really had no major medical complaints over the last few years. Sure, my thyroids been off, I’ve been very anemic, heavy periods but not too many cramps. Let me repeat that…not too many cramps. Yes, my last surgery and my lifestyle changes have helped me keep the surgeon away!

The last 4 months, I’ve started to gradually get more and more cramping. Mostly in my legs, down the sides and to the bottoms of my feet. Not fun at all! Last month I felt like a hot iron was being stuck in and twisted in my lower back. That was new, well, it’s an old feeling but new. Damn! It really was painful and started days before I got my period, which came almost a week late. No I wasn’t worried about pregnancy lol. I was happy or didn’t come. In fact I’m praying for an early menopause. I’ve even been seriously considering the hysterectomy next year. Evict that bitch!

So I began spotting and bleeding really for about 5 days. That sucked. It’s very inconvenient to bleed when it’s not time, so I thought about it and I had heard about women that bleed or spot during ovulation. Oh wait, was that me? Hmmm. Probably. Oh crap! It’s back! Damn! So I made an appointment. I needed a follow up pap anyway, because of course, my last one was abnormal again. The colposcopy was fine though. So off I went!

And I knew exactly what I was going to hear.

Ultrasound scheduled. That was today.

I watched the entire sono, they have a screen on the wall in this office. So I was basically telling the Sonographer what was there. We had some good laughs as she was measuring things. Too many things! Then she had a strange look on her face. I’m sure she was perplexed a bit. I finally helped her out and asked if she could find my left ovary. Was it behind my uterus? Nope. Was it behind my bladder? Oh wait, no. Hey, yes please, push really hard on my belly to find it! There it is. Unremarkable lol.

Then off to the office to see the Doctor. Guess what he said!

I have a possible endometrioma and a fibroid. No shit Sherlock. I saw that already!

So what does he say. Let’s repeat this in 3 months. Have you considered the birth control pill (sure if I wanna die because I have clotting issues) or Lupron (no fucking way-sorry for cursing).

Fun day! That was a waste of 2 hours of my life lol.

I know pain

Someone I cared about recently said to me, “you wouldn’t understand(his pain), you weren’t married for 22 years and had that ripped away from you all of a sudden.” 

He’s right. I probably will never know how that feels. I may never be married for that long. I may never find anyone. 

But what I do know is this…

I’ve had two pregnancies ripped away from me in an instant. 

I had both of my tubes removed because of disease and therefore the possibility of ever having children naturally taken away from me. 

I’ve done three rounds of IVF and no children. 

I’ve had my heart crushed so many times. 

I have endometriosis and other autoimmune diseases that cause me to be in pain or bleed to the point of anemia and gain weight. 

I am allegic to wheat and milk! It sucks. And…

I was married to someone who I don’t think ever loved me. 

But I will be ok. 

My little Christmas miracle

For years I used to say I didn’t enjoy being with parents around the holidays. Mostly because I couldn’t have my own children. Then it was too hard to see them all so happy. It was me. I was telling myself that I didn’t want to be around anyone who had kids. What the heck? Why? This was my family.  How could I feel that way?  
This Christmas, I finally was free to do what I wanted and what I wanted was to see my family. To hang out with my cousins.  There are 8 children running, playing and growing up so fast. I hadn’t seen them in years. I never felt sad. Not about my soon to be ex not being there, not about not having kids, nothing. I was so happy. Genuinely happy to be there and living in the moment. We had great conversations and I never once felt judged. I never realized how suppressed I felt. Wow. Just wow. 
It was my Christmas miracle to realize that I’m free. I’ve released all that stress and anger. I was my authentic self and I liked her! 

Life Has Changed

You know, my happy ending is so much different than what I thought I wanted. 

I have changed so much from that woman who wanted to have a baby. All I thought about what getting pregnant and having a family from before we got married and then for three plus years. 

I did so many things to my body, some that were not so nice! My body was screaming at me and sometimes still does.  I should have listened and seen the signs. 

All things eventually come to an end. The journey my husband and I were on has as well.  So many couples have had traumatic events being them closer together and others, like me, end. 

Lost

I can’t believe you guys are still reading my blog. What started so many years ago as a way to let others know about the struggles of invisible illnesses, mainly Endo and infertility. 

I wish I had a happy ending to tell you all about.  Right now, I am not going to write about the current goings on. I can only say that my journey back to myself has come with sacrifice and sorrow. 

Thank you for being there. 

Endo awareness month is flying by!

Wow, the 15th already! In celebration of endometriosis awareness, aunt flow arrived yesterday! Interestingly, tomorrow, I have an appointment with a surgeon to discuss a hysterectomy in the near future. 

I’m almost 43, have lost two pregnancies and have a very physical job and really would love to get back to a workout routine. One week out of the month, it hurts to move! The leg pain is comparable to having legs that have been cemented to the floor with sharp pains down the legs and cramps in the feet! This is why I think it may just be adenomyosis and not endometriosis. 

I’ve tried everything, but my uterus is a monster that I don’t need and never worked right anyway! 

This month, I am better than last month. It’s not from medication, it’s from more meditation, reiki, crystal healings, sound healing and self healing/realizations for myself and others. Maybe I will heal myself! Now, if I didn’t bleed, that’d be great! 

I know a few women who have had a hysterectomy at a young age and have asked what they could think of for me to ask the doctor.  I’m really feeling good about this. This doctor is a very experienced surgeon, he does surgery 4 days a week! He has worked at the CEC and really seems to want to help women, from what I’ve read. I figure he’d be a good one to remove my uterus and any Endo he may see! 

We will see! In the meantime, wear yellow and educate others that cramps are NOT normal. 

Endo and reiki=relief

I had my first endometrioma (cyst) removed via laparoscopic surgery in 2010, I had no idea it was the first of seven surgeries I’d have for a condition called endometriosis.  It changed my entire life. First, it made me feel like I wasn’t a complete woman. Broken. Then, I was angry. Really mad. I got sucked into depression and constantly dwelling on the pain. Surgery after surgery. 

A few weeks after that 2010 surgery, the cyst was back, the same size as before. It had wrapped around my insides. I was told to get pregnant.  Then began the search for a reproductive endocrinologist for IVF. Then, testing…

And hearing all of the diagnosis’, Hashimoto’s, clotting issues, lupus anticoagulant, fibromyalgia, adenomyosis, and severe endometriosis. 

Two pregnancy losses. 

In 2011, I got married. Then I had a few surgeries and my first pregnancy from IVF.  The pain worsened.  

I found reiki the next month and became a level 1 reiki practitioner. I practiced self reiki and reiki with my dogs and a few people.  I had suffered major anxiety attacks. Reiki helped me overcome them. It helps with dealing with the pain  and loneliness we sometimes feel.  It relieves stress and a wandering mind. It helps me sleep better and I can share it with others. 

Reiki got me through the rest of my surgeries and another pregnancy loss. It helps me daily. I had my last excision surgery (the gold standard in Endo treatment) on December 19, 2013. Then discovered sound healing.  

In 2014, I became a level 2 reiki practitioner. I spent over a year working with myself, spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.  I learned so many things about the heart and mind. What we are capable of telling ourselves can be tragic or amazing, you decide.  

Last summer, I found my dream job, which is very physical.  I can send the reiki to my coworkers and the animals at the shelter.  I can be reiki with my animals. I can send distant healings to my parents, friends and their pets and loved ones. 

The pain has gotten worse over the last few months and when I have my period, it’s incredibly challenging to do my job.  I don’t think it’s so much the endometriosis as it is the adenomyosis. A hysterectomy is in my future. 

Reiki is love, in my opinion.  You can give and receive it, you can feel it, you can be it and you can share it with your eyes open and closed, with animals and humans.  It’s energy.  It promotes relaxation and healing and we all need that! 

Last month, I became a reiki master practitioner and am looking forward to becoming a reiki master teacher. I want to share reiki with all, animal and human alike.  

March 2016 Endometriosis Awareness Month

Here we go again! I really want to say that I’m going to write a blog post every day, but that’s not realistic for me. I’ve kind of been missing in action on this blog. It’s not really intentional.  I got my dream job really with really long hours and a bit of a commute.  I get to work with animals and make a difference. Love. 

Back to endometriosis awareness. It’s been a few years since the Drs. Nezhat began the Worldwide EndoMarch and sadly nothing has really changed to the average person. However, I have seen more women posting about endometriosis on Facebook and Twitter. I’ve seen no changes for us when going to a regular gynecologist.  They still tell you to get pregnant (well, not me anymore since I’m older and have no tubes), get a Lupron injection to induce false menopause (don’t get me started on the YouTube video of Lena Dunham and her friend shooting her with it-hoping she sees us and learns the truth) and the hysterectomy. What they don’t understand is that none of that takes care of the horrific adhesions all of us have suffered from. I’ve known women who have done all of the above and still never found relief until they have excision surgery with a specialist, who is STILL not covered by insurance!!!! Thousands and thousands of dollars and many of us need more than one surgery to repair all the years of bad advice and surgeries!  

Friday, March 18th, Dr. Farr Nezhat and a group of EndoMarchers will be working hard to get yellow awareness on the Today show on NBC and I’m going (period permitting) on Saturday!  

 
Join us to promote awareness of this debilitating disease. Educate the public, yourself, doctors and surgeons, so your mom, sister, cousin, aunt, daughter and friends don’t have to go through years of being told they’re crazy before being diagnosed. 

Is it back? Or am I old?

I’m so grateful for everything in my life right now. I hate to complain, but here it comes: my hip and leg hurts sooooo much. The pain kept me awake and nothing was helping. I don’t know if this is because I slipped outside yesterday and fell on some ice? That was my knee but maybe. Or!!! It’s the damn endometriosis or adenomyosis! I’m a little crampy cause you know what happened again this month, because you know who decided I should keep this stupid uterus. I want it gone!!! I could barely walk this morning. Thank god I’m off of work today. My job is so physical, there’s no way I’d be able to do it today! Grateful for the day off. Grateful for my friend sending me reiki! On a side note, when you’re connected to reiki energy, even the intention of sending it benefits that person or animal immediately!This too shall pass. Much love to all. Thank you for letting me vent! 

Authenticity-me

I was asked what my perfect day would be like. I answered “like floating.” Feeling like I was gliding and floating and free. When asked to elaborate, I found it challenging to describe exactly what my day would entail. I couldn’t find the words to describe the feeling. I’d never known it. So, I tried to describe the floating feeling. Lightheaded? No. Sleepy? No. Not a care in the world? Wow, do I even know how I’d feel on a perfect day? Do I even know what a perfect day in my life is? Or would be? I just knew I’d be doing something to help other beings. I had a few ideas and I now have a few more. I’m meeting like minded people and loving my growth as a human! 

I was told I’d know what I’m supposed to be doing because it’ll make me so happy that I’d cry. 

Well, I had that kind of day! I’ve had a few of them actually and I’m hoping for tons more. I was free to be me! The authentic me. 

Most of the time it’s when offering reiki or sound healing to animals (and their people). I feel that so deeply in my core, that I wonder why I ever stopped working with them in the first place. Silly me, I tried to be “normal” and fit in. Hasn’t really made me happy. 

Here’s an example: I went to a rescue and offered reiki to the animals. As I went around to each one, I would feel or know who needed what or how much they would accept. They would show me or I’d pick up on something.  It was humbling and exciting.  I stood there all by myself and sobbed. 

I remember going to bed last week after I had offered reiki in an animal shelter and then gone to a circle/reiki share and met some new reiki friends. I was smiling and alive and told my husband I wanted “everyday to be like today!” And it will be, at least every Tuesday, for now. 
   

For more adventures like this: http://www.tailsofloveblog.wordpress.com

  Namaste!